KILL OF THE WEEK:

Karate Girl (1973)

Karate Kill, with bullets!

THE DANISH GIRL (2015)

STARRING:
EDDIE REDMAYNE, ALICIA VIKANDER, HUGH JACKMAN

KILL METER: 5/6
2FABA79C00000578-3377682-image-a-70_1451409198180

In X-men: Days of Future Past, Juno and her band of future ravers decide the only way to stop a group of human-terminating, metal dong humpers is to rocket back in time and kill their creator – Richard Nixon. They get in touch with Hugh Jacks, Captain Picard, and Gandalf for this operation. I dunno [...]

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THE REVENANT (2015)

STARRING:
LEONARDO DICAPRIO, TOM HARDY

KILL METER: 2/6
leonardo-dicaprio-the-revenant

Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio play a deadly game of cat and mouse, a battle of wits, an elaborate parry and thrust only the sharpest of minds could perceive, where the more cunning of the two will be crowned the victor and… ok, no, that’s total bullshit. What does happen here is, these boneheaded fucktards [...]

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SUFFRAGETTE (2015)

STARRING:
CAREY MULLIGAN, HELENA BONHAM CARTER, MERYL STREEP

KILL METER: 3/6
carey_mulligan_suffragette-xlarge

This movie really opened my eyes to how bad women got it. Like, all they wanna do is clean dishes all day and do laundry and make dinner, but then some dickhead comes home, and he’s all “women need to get out and work, just like men. Equality!” Well, fuck you buddy, that’s the last [...]

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STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)

STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, ADAM DRIVER, LENA DUNHAM (HA, NO, THAT FAT TURD'S NOT IN THIS)

KILL METER: 5/6
The-Star-Wars-The-Force-Awakens

A horse-faced dude fights a girl and a black guy in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. If you haven’t seen the other movies, man, what’s the rent like in that rock you’ve been living under? Seriously, you gotta at least go watch Empire Strikes Back, cause it’s the best Star War. Return of the Jedi’s [...]

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STEVE JOBS (2015)

STARRING:
MICHAEL FASSBENDER, KATE WINSLET, SETH ROGEN

KILL METER: 4/6
steve-jobs-movie-2015-holding

So, you think you know all about Steve Jobs cause you buy his little computers and iPhones? Well, you don’t know shit. Michael Fassbender is a tornado of acting, and he’s here to show you all about the real Jobs, how he was a full-on badass who got all boned-up by treating other people like [...]

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HERCULES (2014)

STARRING:
DWAYNE JOHNSON

KILL METER: 1/6
hercules-dwayne-johnson-un-razboinic-cu-greutate_1

Author’s note – I haven’t seen this movie. In fact, I’ll never subject myself to watching this crapfest. Here’s 10 reasons why: 1. Look at this fucking idiot. No, seriously, take a long, hard look at those giant, fear-soaked eyeballs, jammed in that lumpy, shrieking face. Well, guess what? That’s what this guy looks all [...]

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PATRIOT GAMES / C&PD: BOX SET (1992 / 1994)

STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, JAMES EARL JONES, SAMUEL L. JACKSON

KILL METER: 6/6
Patriot-Games-12

In both these movies, Harrison Ford’s just really overprotective of his family. It’s like, dude, if you love that goddamn family of yours so much, why don’t you just marry them already? In fact, I think he’s intentionally putting them in harm’s way, cause he gets off on being this ultimate guardian guy. Like, in [...]

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ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991)

STARRING:
KEVIN COSTNER, ALAN RICKMAN, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 3/6
robin-hood-prince-of-thieves-1991-720p-brrip-h264-aac-mp4_snapshot_02-18-00_2012-02-09_00-38-56

Robin of Cocksley (Kevy C), an English nobleman with the accent of a midwestern cracker, gets his stupid, corn shucking ass locked up in some Afghan jail cell for serious crimes against humanity (probably Waterworld related). Morgan Freeman’s there too, he’s in jail cause he’s black. Robin and Freeman make best buddies pretty quickly, and [...]

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THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

STARRING:
ANDREW GARFIELD, EMMA STONE, DENIS LEARY

KILL METER: 1/6
THE-AMAZING-SPIDER-MAN-2

Peter Parker’s a huge weenie. People just wail on his emo ass all the time. He gets pantsed and dragged around the track on a daily basis, girls dunk his books and shove him in his locker, even some of the teachers take a swing at him now and then when they wanna let off [...]

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