An old, pissed off cop goes on a vacation to Russia, only to run into his estranged, shithead, good for nothing son, in this heart warming family film. Bruce Willis is a dad who just doesn’t play by the rules: instead of teaching his kid values or whatever when he was growing up, Willis would brag about the different ways he’d offed people in the past, which probably didn’t make for very good bedtime stories. So, it’s no wonder this brat turned out the way he did here.
His son’s got a real chip on his shoulder too. He refuses to call BW “Dad”, gives him a lot of smart-ass backtalk, and he’s always trying to one-up him. Like, Willis drives a truck off a rooftop, and lands it right smack onto this helicopter’s hangar ramp, while it’s still in mid-air! So awesome. But then, the kid’s gotta try and show him up by throwing some dude straight into the copter’s rotors, and he’s laughing his ass off while the guy explodes all over the chopper’s windscreen. This kid can’t let BW enjoy one second of his vacation, he’s just gotta be in the spotlight all the time!
Also, this jerkoff of a son won’t let Willis get any of his classic one liners in there. Like, BW sees that asshole get ripped to shreds by the chopper blades, and he’s all “Man, that guy was a real cut up..” and the kid just interrupts him with “sorry, Bruce, had to cut you off there. Hahahaha.” So fucking lame.
Anyway, BW hopes his son will turn into more of a man on this trip, maybe get a little balder and buffer, and that he’ll learn to stop riding other people’s coat tails, but none of that happens – the kid’s a lost cause. Even though they get to murder a ton of people together, Willis’ heart’s not in it this time. Cause right when he’s starting to get back into character, his dickwad of a son goes and says some stupid crap that makes him feel like a huge failure of a dad. And BW’s finally gotta pull him aside, and tell him quietly “look, I’m the Die Hard here, you little jerk.”
In one scene, the kid grabs BW’s iPhone and smashes it to pieces! Bruce Willis just learned how to take photos with that shit, and he was making calls without dialing, just by yelling people’s names into the speaker. Also, he was macking it to some lady named Siri, and he really thought he had a chance of banging her someday, and the kid totally screws it all up. So, in the end, he takes his loser son back to the US, and signs him up for Military Academy – cause he’s just had it with this fucking brat.
On the plus side, BW teams up with another cab driver in this movie. This guy’s not as awesome as Samuel L Jackson, cause he blasts shitty Euro-trash techno music while they’re driving around, and tells a bunch dumbass Russian jokes that Willis just fucking hates. He does show up later with a trunk full of weapons, so Bruce starts to think the guy’s alright after all. But then the cabbie ruins the moment by telling one of his Yakov Smirnoff jokes, with “In Soviet Union, we have no prostitute. Russian women have trouble giving it away for free, so who gonna pay?” And Willis just silently glares at him for a while. His stupid fucking kid thinks this shit is hilarious though, he’s laughing like a goddamn howler monkey, and screaming at the cabbie to “tell another one, Yuri!” and that’s when Willis really starts to get bummed out. He stares off into the distance, remembering the good old days, back when he had a funny, wise-cracking, cabbie-turned-partner, and no stupid, spoiled, shit talking kid. Good times, gone now…
2 Bullets: Die Hard with Children is not an awesome concept for a movie. Not at all.