AMELIE (2001)

STARRING:
AUDREY TAUTOU, MATHIEU KASSOVITZ, RUFUS

KILL METER: 2/6

Amelie-0567A deranged wackjob goes apeshit on a bunch of French people in this foreign psychological thriller. This chick Amelie, she’s just fucking nuts. She’s also a criminal, and a goddamn liar to boot. One day, she decides to target a few local, blue collar types from her Frenchy hometown, and precedes to totally screw up their lives. But she’s sneaky as a Pickle on a Quarter Pounder, cause she messes with all of them in these really subtle ways, so they don’t even realize some freakshow lady is just toying with them, for kicks. She basically drives them all insane. They think all this random shit is happening to them out of nowhere. This Amelie lady just doesn’t know when to quit, and she ends up taking things way too far.

Amelie-0758One of her targets is a mild-mannered vegetable stand owner. The poor guy is out in the hot sun all day, putting up with tons of crap from his French asshat customers, and he’s just trying to make ends meet here. He’s rude to Amelie when she comes by to get some Artichokes, and, since she’s a goddamn psycho, she takes it way too personal, and decides to get revenge on this poor slob. So, while he’s out at work, Amelie breaks into his apartment. She sets up a fucking Home Alone style contraption on his phone, so he’ll get electrocuted every time he picks it up. Then later that day, she keeps calling him over and over again, so he just shocks the fuck out of himself. Also, she replaces all of his shoes with, like, the same shoes, only a size smaller, so he thinks his feet are getting fat or something. And, she rearranges his furniture in these tiny, annoying ways, just to drive him totally bonkers. When he gets up off the couch, he bangs his fucking knee on the coffee table, or hits his head on the door frame, shit like that.

Anyway, I think this guy ends up killing himself, cause he just can’t take it anymore, and Amelie just grins like a fucking demented freak when she hears about it.

Amelie-0819She also get’s obsessed with some dude she sees at a Coffee shop, and she stalks the hell out of this poor bastard. He gets all these art-faggy collage pictures from her, and these creepy letters that list out everything he did that day, and it really scares the bejeezus out of him, cause he knows there’s this lunatic out there, somewhere, watching his every move. She plays this elaborate cat and mouse game with him for a while, until he finally confronts her at the end of the movie, and it just ends with them about to face-off. You know something bad happens to this guy, they just don’t show you what it is, so it’s totally left to your imagination.

Amelie-1140Also, they go into Amelie’s backstory a lot, so you can see why she’s so fucked up. As a kid, she’s a total loser, and her parents are super controlling. They end up dying under really mysterious circumstances… it doesn’t take a genius to work out she probably offed them both. You can’t put anything past this broad, she makes a living cooking up these weird situations that look like total accidents!

amelie-1This movie gets 2 bullets, it wasn’t really action packed, but it did manage to scare the living shit out of me. A lot of people talk about how good this flick was, they’re always like “Oh, that woman… the colors… blah, blah, blah.” But one thing they don’t tell you is how fucking twisted it is, cause you don’t know what this wacky bitch is gonna do next! And, it seemed like it could totally happen in real life. The next time I step on a fork, or hit my head on a cabinet, or whatever, I’ll get paranoid that it’s not just some random shit, it could be some maniac stalker’s got me on their list! And the worst part is, nobody’s gonna believe me, they be all like “oh, that’s just an accident, bookshelves fall on people’s heads all the time.”

This movie’s like a cautionary tale or something, I think everyone should watch it, I just wish it’d had more action. But, still, an important one to see.

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