BLACK RAIN (1989)

STARRING:
MICHAEL DOUGLAS, ANDY GARCIA AND KEN TAKAKURA

KILL METER: 5/6

delete-sampleThis movie is about a cop. A fucking badass cop. You know he’s a badass, because he races his bike against the Village People at the start of the movie, and he wins. He also beats the crap out of his prisoners and has zero tolerance for other people’s culture, heritage, traditions, or rules. Also, his partner is Italian, or whatever. While they’re vacationing in Japan, that dumbass gets his head cut off by a guy on a bike, with a sword. In a normal movie, this would’ve created an international incident, and there would be some kind of Q&A with customs or something, but this is a Michael Douglas movie. He doesn’t give a fuck about answering questions, or obeying laws, he just cares about teaching everybody a very simple lesson: do not fuck with Michael Douglas. I don’t care where your from, you do not piss this guy off, he will kill your entire crew in a shootout. Thats the Douglas way. Also, he’ll fuck Steven Spielberg’s wife, Kate Capshaw. That’s just how it goes.

still-of-michael-douglas-and-kate-capshaw-in-black-rainOn a side note, he’s got some of the most awesome quotes from any movie, ever, like:

“One good hand job deserves another.”

“I usually get kissed before I get fucked.”

“So fuck you very much!”

“If you pull it, you better use it.”

“Sometimes you should forget your head and grab your balls.”

“Look, you wanna charge me, you charge me, okay? You wanna jerk off, you go back to your office.”

This movie gets 5 bullets. It doesn’t get 6, because, in the end of the movie, he arrests the bad guy!? What the fuck? The guy escaped from custody because a couple of dudes in suits showed up and said they were cops, and you’re just gonna try an lock him up again?? Kill that bastard! He cut your Italian partner’s head off, dude! Anyway, still an awesome movie, but he shoulda killed that asshole, and kept that counterfeit gold bar thing, and said “go fuck your own hand” to that Asian cop at the end. Whatever.

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