Category Archives: crazy partner

THE REVENANT (2015)

STARRING:
LEONARDO DICAPRIO, TOM HARDY

KILL METER: 2/6
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Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio play a deadly game of cat and mouse, a battle of wits, an elaborate parry and thrust only the sharpest of minds could perceive, where the more cunning of the two will be crowned the victor and… ok, no, that’s total bullshit. What does happen here is, these boneheaded fucktards [...]

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GHOST RIDER: SOV (2011)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, MARTIN LAWRENCE, SATAN

KILL METER: 2/6
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In this gritty Director’s Cut of Wild Hogs, Nicky C goes on a Easy Rider style journey across the America’s, with Martin Lawrence (played by Idris Elba) in tow. And that sweaty little dipshit gets into so much trouble on this road trip: he’s mixing it up with an elderly old woman of a man [...]

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OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (2013)

STARRING:
GERARD BUTLER, AARON ECKHART, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 4/6
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Gerard Butler’s the President’s head of security, and he wants to protect that son of a bitch so hard. He’s got his work cut out for him too, cause that whacky President is constantly getting himself mixed up in all kinds of hijinks. At the very start of this shit show, the President and his [...]

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SWORDFISH (2001)

STARRING:
JOHN TRAVOLTA, HUGH JACKMAN, HALLE BERRY

KILL METER: 3/6
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John Travolta gets out-acted by his own hair piece in this noir techno-thriller classic. Travolta’s a massive failure at his current career choice: terrorism. And that ain’t much of a surprise, cause the only thing he looks like he could detonate is a toilet torpedo. Also, he’s broke as shit, he needs wig money, and [...]

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VALKYRIE (2008)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, KENNETH BRANAGH

KILL METER: 3/6
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Tom Cruise is a Nazi. In this whacky, slapstick comedy, he plays a one-eyed, one-armed dumbass who thinks he can take down Adolph Hitler single handedly (haha, get it?), with a little help from a rag tag crew of elite goose-stepping goofballs. On a side note, I can see why the director chose Cruise for [...]

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THE MATRIX (1999)

STARRING:
KEANU REEVES, LAWRENCE FISHBURN, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

KILL METER: 2/6
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Keanu Reeves gets totally boned over by Lawrence Fishburn in this summer action sci-fi knockout. Keanu’s working in a computer tech firm, minding his business, until one day he gets some Spam email from Lawrence Fishburn. The email’s titled something like “Lawrence Fishburn has an exciting new opportunity, free to try..” and like the gullible [...]

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BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984)

STARRING:
EDDIE MURPHY, JUDGE REINHOLD, GARY BUSEY

KILL METER: 6/6
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In this gritty crime drama, Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is a hard boiled, hard drinking cop, working in the corrupt shithole that is the Detroit metro area. When his partner gets whacked off by a high-profile drug kingpin from Beverly Hills (Gary Busey), Foley’s commanding officer refuses to investigate the case any further, and tells [...]

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LIONHEART (1990)

STARRING:
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, FOREST WHITAKER, ANDRE THE GIANT

KILL METER: 6/6
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Van Damme is a soldier in the French army, farting around the Desert, waiting for the chance to surrender to the enemy. One day, he get’s a letter from America telling him that his brother just died. He acts like he really cares about his brother’s death, but, in reality, he really just wants to [...]

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THE ROCK (1996)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, SEAN CONNERY, ED HARRIS

KILL METER: 3/6
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Nicky Cage guest stars in a 90′s James Bond movie, where JB is just too old and frail to get the job done himself. Cage works for the US government. He’s part of the Computer Science Division, which is just a fancy name for their IT department. One day, while he’s playing online solitaire, he [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Bazooka kill!