Category Archives: foreign

THE DANISH GIRL (2015)

STARRING:
EDDIE REDMAYNE, ALICIA VIKANDER, HUGH JACKMAN

KILL METER: 5/6
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In X-men: Days of Future Past, Juno and her band of future ravers decide the only way to stop a group of human-terminating, metal dong humpers is to rocket back in time and kill their creator – Richard Nixon. They get in touch with Hugh Jacks, Captain Picard, and Gandalf for this operation. I dunno [...]

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SUFFRAGETTE (2015)

STARRING:
CAREY MULLIGAN, HELENA BONHAM CARTER, MERYL STREEP

KILL METER: 3/6
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This movie really opened my eyes to how bad women got it. Like, all they wanna do is clean dishes all day and do laundry and make dinner, but then some dickhead comes home, and he’s all “women need to get out and work, just like men. Equality!” Well, fuck you buddy, that’s the last [...]

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HERCULES (2014)

STARRING:
DWAYNE JOHNSON

KILL METER: 1/6
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Author’s note – I haven’t seen this movie. In fact, I’ll never subject myself to watching this crapfest. Here’s 10 reasons why: 1. Look at this fucking idiot. No, seriously, take a long, hard look at those giant, fear-soaked eyeballs, jammed in that lumpy, shrieking face. Well, guess what? That’s what this guy looks all [...]

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PATRIOT GAMES / C&PD: BOX SET (1992 / 1994)

STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, JAMES EARL JONES, SAMUEL L. JACKSON

KILL METER: 6/6
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In both these movies, Harrison Ford’s just really overprotective of his family. It’s like, dude, if you love that goddamn family of yours so much, why don’t you just marry them already? In fact, I think he’s intentionally putting them in harm’s way, cause he gets off on being this ultimate guardian guy. Like, in [...]

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ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991)

STARRING:
KEVIN COSTNER, ALAN RICKMAN, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 3/6
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Robin of Cocksley (Kevy C), an English nobleman with the accent of a midwestern cracker, gets his stupid, corn shucking ass locked up in some Afghan jail cell for serious crimes against humanity (probably Waterworld related). Morgan Freeman’s there too, he’s in jail cause he’s black. Robin and Freeman make best buddies pretty quickly, and [...]

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THE BOURNE IDENTITY (2002)

STARRING:
MATT DAMON, CHRIS COOPER, CLIVE OWEN

KILL METER: 2/6
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Matt Damon loses his memory, then loses his shit all over a bunch of dudes in this acclaimed action spy thriller. The story kicks off with Damon getting fished out of the ocean by a bunch of slimy guido crab catchers. I mean, I know all Italians catch crabs eventually, but these guys do it [...]

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VALKYRIE (2008)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, KENNETH BRANAGH

KILL METER: 3/6
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Tom Cruise is a Nazi. In this whacky, slapstick comedy, he plays a one-eyed, one-armed dumbass who thinks he can take down Adolph Hitler single handedly (haha, get it?), with a little help from a rag tag crew of elite goose-stepping goofballs. On a side note, I can see why the director chose Cruise for [...]

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RONIN (1998)

STARRING:
ROBERT DE NIRO, SEAN CONNERY, PETER JACKSON

KILL METER: 3/6
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A bunch of incontinent old dads decide to go on a wild European vacation, hoping to get away from their butt-ugly kids and stupid, Tales from the Crypt looking wives for a week or so. But they end up getting more than they bargained for in this action-packed spy thriller. Robert De Niro is the [...]

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LIONHEART (1990)

STARRING:
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, FOREST WHITAKER, ANDRE THE GIANT

KILL METER: 6/6
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Van Damme is a soldier in the French army, farting around the Desert, waiting for the chance to surrender to the enemy. One day, he get’s a letter from America telling him that his brother just died. He acts like he really cares about his brother’s death, but, in reality, he really just wants to [...]

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TAKEN (2008)

STARRING:
LIAM NEESON, MAGGIE GRACE, FAMKE JANSSEN

KILL METER: 3/6
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Liam Neeson is an angry Dad who will stop at nothing to ruin his daughters Spring Break vacation in this coming of age thrill ride. Neeson’s daughter goes on a crazy Paris trip with some buddies, and she ends up getting wasted and partying with a pretty rough crowd. When she prank calls her Dad [...]

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