Category Archives: sci-fi

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)

STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, ADAM DRIVER, LENA DUNHAM (HA, NO, THAT FAT TURD'S NOT IN THIS)

KILL METER: 5/6
The-Star-Wars-The-Force-Awakens

A horse-faced dude fights a girl and a black guy in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. If you haven’t seen the other movies, man, what’s the rent like in that rock you’ve been living under? Seriously, you gotta at least go watch Empire Strikes Back, cause it’s the best Star War. Return of the Jedi’s [...]

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THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

STARRING:
ANDREW GARFIELD, EMMA STONE, DENIS LEARY

KILL METER: 1/6
THE-AMAZING-SPIDER-MAN-2

Peter Parker’s a huge weenie. People just wail on his emo ass all the time. He gets pantsed and dragged around the track on a daily basis, girls dunk his books and shove him in his locker, even some of the teachers take a swing at him now and then when they wanna let off [...]

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A LORD OF A RING (2001)

STARRING:
ELIJAH WOOD, IAN McKELLEN, LIV TYLER

KILL METER: 1/6
Gandalf&Radagast

In this high-fantasy blockbuster, a group of pansy midgets and their crotchety old man buddy go on a long, boring, never-ending cross country trip from hell, all to hand off some crappy, Claire’s boutique looking jewelry. Our tale bangs off in the shittiest age in human history: medieval times. Everybody smells like piss, they don’t [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

TOTAL RECALL (1990)

Happy Mother’s Day, and see you at the party!

THOR (2011)

STARRING:
PATRICK SWAYZE, NATALIE PORTMAN, ANTHONY HOPKINS

KILL METER: 3/6
thor6x

Point Break era Patrick Swayze gets to fuck Natalie Portman in this sci-fi action space opera. Swayze plays Thor, a bonehead, frat boy douchebag. He’s also an alien. He lives on an asteroid that doubles as a Lord of the Rings screensaver. There’s waterfalls, castles, dragons, and all kinds of fantasy crap – but not [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

TWISTED JUSTICE (1990)

New Rules!

THE MATRIX (1999)

STARRING:
KEANU REEVES, LAWRENCE FISHBURN, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

KILL METER: 2/6
600px-Matrix046

Keanu Reeves gets totally boned over by Lawrence Fishburn in this summer action sci-fi knockout. Keanu’s working in a computer tech firm, minding his business, until one day he gets some Spam email from Lawrence Fishburn. The email’s titled something like “Lawrence Fishburn has an exciting new opportunity, free to try..” and like the gullible [...]

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ERASER (1996)

STARRING:
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, VANESSA WILLIAMS, JAMES CAAN

KILL METER: 3/6
eraser-arnold-schwarzenegger-plane

In this prequel to Terminator, Arnold gets his first assignment. Skynet wants him to track down Vanessa Williams, and ERASE her fucking ass. This is before he got promoted to Terminator status, his job title is weak as shit, it’s just “The Eraser”. It’s kind of like the difference between Eagle Scout and Brownie, I [...]

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TRANSFORMERS (2007)

STARRING:
SHIA LABEOUF, MEAGAN FOX

KILL METER: 4/6
Megan-Fox-In-Transformers-Movie-1920x1200

This film’s all about Shia Labeouf, and how he becomes a man, against all odds. The kind of man who fights for diversity in his small town high school. See, Labeouf’s the new kid in a rinky-dink redneck shithole town, and he just does not fit in there at all. It really doesn’t help that [...]

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HIGHLANDER (1986)

STARRING:
CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT, SEAN CONNERY, CLANCY BROWN

KILL METER: 4/6
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Christopher Lambert shows off his acting chops in this sci-fi fantasy classic. He’s an immortal twat that runs around cutting other dude’s heads off, all for some kind of prize. What’s the prize? I got no idea, but he wants it soo bad, he’ll lop guy’s noggins off left and right so he can get [...]

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