KILL OF THE WEEK:
Karate Girl (1973)
Karate Kill, with bullets!
Category Archives: thrill ride
THE DANISH GIRL (2015)
STARRING:
EDDIE REDMAYNE, ALICIA VIKANDER, HUGH JACKMAN
KILL METER:
5/6
In X-men: Days of Future Past, Juno and her band of future ravers decide the only way to stop a group of human-terminating, metal dong humpers is to rocket back in time and kill their creator – Richard Nixon. They get in touch with Hugh Jacks, Captain Picard, and Gandalf for this operation. I dunno [...]
THE REVENANT (2015)
STARRING:
LEONARDO DICAPRIO, TOM HARDY
KILL METER:
2/6
Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio play a deadly game of cat and mouse, a battle of wits, an elaborate parry and thrust only the sharpest of minds could perceive, where the more cunning of the two will be crowned the victor and… ok, no, that’s total bullshit. What does happen here is, these boneheaded fucktards [...]
STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)
STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, ADAM DRIVER, LENA DUNHAM (HA, NO, THAT FAT TURD'S NOT IN THIS)
KILL METER:
5/6
A horse-faced dude fights a girl and a black guy in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. If you haven’t seen the other movies, man, what’s the rent like in that rock you’ve been living under? Seriously, you gotta at least go watch Empire Strikes Back, cause it’s the best Star War. Return of the Jedi’s [...]
STEVE JOBS (2015)
STARRING:
MICHAEL FASSBENDER, KATE WINSLET, SETH ROGEN
KILL METER:
4/6
So, you think you know all about Steve Jobs cause you buy his little computers and iPhones? Well, you don’t know shit. Michael Fassbender is a tornado of acting, and he’s here to show you all about the real Jobs, how he was a full-on badass who got all boned-up by treating other people like [...]
PATRIOT GAMES / C&PD: BOX SET (1992 / 1994)
STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, JAMES EARL JONES, SAMUEL L. JACKSON
KILL METER:
6/6
In both these movies, Harrison Ford’s just really overprotective of his family. It’s like, dude, if you love that goddamn family of yours so much, why don’t you just marry them already? In fact, I think he’s intentionally putting them in harm’s way, cause he gets off on being this ultimate guardian guy. Like, in [...]
THE BOURNE IDENTITY (2002)
STARRING:
MATT DAMON, CHRIS COOPER, CLIVE OWEN
KILL METER:
2/6
Matt Damon loses his memory, then loses his shit all over a bunch of dudes in this acclaimed action spy thriller. The story kicks off with Damon getting fished out of the ocean by a bunch of slimy guido crab catchers. I mean, I know all Italians catch crabs eventually, but these guys do it [...]
OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (2013)
STARRING:
GERARD BUTLER, AARON ECKHART, MORGAN FREEMAN
KILL METER:
4/6
Gerard Butler’s the President’s head of security, and he wants to protect that son of a bitch so hard. He’s got his work cut out for him too, cause that whacky President is constantly getting himself mixed up in all kinds of hijinks. At the very start of this shit show, the President and his [...]
SWORDFISH (2001)
STARRING:
JOHN TRAVOLTA, HUGH JACKMAN, HALLE BERRY
KILL METER:
3/6
John Travolta gets out-acted by his own hair piece in this noir techno-thriller classic. Travolta’s a massive failure at his current career choice: terrorism. And that ain’t much of a surprise, cause the only thing he looks like he could detonate is a toilet torpedo. Also, he’s broke as shit, he needs wig money, and [...]
KILL OF THE WEEK:
DROP ZONE (1994)
Drop Busey.