Category Archives: thrill ride

VALKYRIE (2008)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, KENNETH BRANAGH

KILL METER: 3/6
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Tom Cruise is a Nazi. In this whacky, slapstick comedy, he plays a one-eyed, one-armed dumbass who thinks he can take down Adolph Hitler single handedly (haha, get it?), with a little help from a rag tag crew of elite goose-stepping goofballs. On a side note, I can see why the director chose Cruise for [...]

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GONE IN 60 SECONDS (2000)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, ANGELINA JOLIE

KILL METER: 1/6
gone4

Nicky Cage gets his blonde “cool guy” wig out of storage for some high-octane action in this car-chaser extravaganza. By day, Cage works at an Exxon station, pumping gas for jerk off families, yelling for people to “just put the motherfuck next to the goddamn over there.”¬† But, whoa, by night he’s mister fucking cool, [...]

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THE SUBSTITUTE (1996)

STARRING:
TOM BERENGER, MARC ANTHONY

KILL METER: 4/6
The-Substitute

Tom Berenger gets tough with some High School kids in this classroom drama. Berenger’s not taking any crap from these little shits, no way, and they’ve gotten pretty comfortable screwing with teachers over the years, but they just messed with the wrong Algebra 101 professor here. At first, Berenger tries to play it cool with [...]

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PASSENGER 57 (1992)

STARRING:
WESLEY SNIPES, ELIZABETH HURLEY

KILL METER: 5/6
Passenger57

Wesley Snipes is an ex-cop turned Plane inspector, working for the airlines in a really dead end job. See, years ago, his wife got shot while she was shopping at a Kwik-E-Mart, and after that, he just couldn’t face being a cop on the streets any more. So, he’s decided from now on, he’ll only [...]

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JACK REACHER (2012)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, ROSAMUND PIKE, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 2/6
JRHighRes1

In most Tom Cruise movies, they use computer effects or just stack him on a bunch of boxes so he’ll look like he’s a normal sized person. Especially when he’s in a scene with another actor, cause about 90% of the adult population is roughly 2 to 3 feet taller than his tiny boy frame. [...]

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LETHAL WEAPON (1987)

STARRING:
MEL GIBSON, DANNY GLOVER, GARY BUSEY

KILL METER: 6/6
Lethal-Weapon-1

Mel and Danny G: they’re cops. Right off the bat, you can tell they’re gonna have a hard time working together, cause Gibson’s a reckless, suicidal fucking mess. Also, he’s an Australian to boot! MG’s a total gun nut, he shoots at everything he sees, doesn’t matter what it is. He eats all kinds of [...]

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XXX (2002)

STARRING:
VIN DIESEL, SAMUEL L. JACKSON

KILL METER: 3/6
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Vin Diesel’s landed every 10 year old boy’s dream job: he’s the star of an XTREME sports show that constantly pushes situations to their XXXTREME limits! Samuel L Jackson is a by-the-book Government worker who just wants some peace and quiet. These two oddball nuts get partnered up for all kinds of hijinks in this [...]

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SPEED (1994)

STARRING:
KEANU REEVES, DENNIS HOPPER, SANDRA BULLOCK

KILL METER: 4/6
speed-movie-still-2

Hot shot rookie cop Keanu Reeves gets a peek into the daily lives of Public Transit workers in this explosive action blockbuster. Reeves gets partnered up on his first assignment with a drunk, over the hill Jeff Daniels and you just know this ain’t gonna end well for JD here. He’s bitching about how he’s [...]

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BLADE (1998)

STARRING:
WESLEY SNIPES, KRIS KRISTOFFERSON, STEPHEN DORFF

KILL METER: 5/6
Vampire-Rave-Party-Scene-From-The-1998-Film-Blade

Blade’s a ghetto vampire. But he’s really not that into it, cause I guess all vampires wanna do is take ecstasy, go to parties, and suck each other’s dicks all night, and Blade ain’t about that shit. He’s like “I still wanna be able to go to the Beach, not get in the water or [...]

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UNDER SIEGE (1992)

STARRING:
STEVEN SEAGAL, TOMMY LEE JONES, GARY BUSEY

KILL METER: 5/6
under-siege-2-hand

An angry cook on a battleship finally gets the chance to slice and dice something other than Broccoli. He gets to cut dudes throats open! Steven Seagal works as a short order cook for the US Navy, taking shit all day from some old, asshole Captain and, get this, Gary Busey! One day, he just fucking [...]

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