way too punny Archives | THE KILLTIME / YOUR NO.1 PLACE FOR ALL THINGS ACTION

ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991)

STARRING:
KEVIN COSTNER, ALAN RICKMAN, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 3/6

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Robin of Cocksley (Kevy C), an English nobleman with the accent of a midwestern cracker, gets his stupid, corn shucking ass locked up in some Afghan jail cell for serious crimes against humanity (probably Waterworld related). Morgan Freeman’s there too, he’s in jail cause he’s black. Robin and Freeman make best buddies pretty quickly, and [...]

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

STARRING:
ANDREW GARFIELD, EMMA STONE, DENIS LEARY

KILL METER: 1/6

Peter Parker’s a huge weenie. People just wail on his emo ass all the time. He gets pantsed and dragged around the track on a daily basis, girls dunk his books and shove him in his locker, even some of the teachers take a swing at him now and then when they wanna let off [...]

GHOST RIDER: SOV (2011)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, MARTIN LAWRENCE, SATAN

KILL METER: 2/6

In this gritty Director’s Cut of Wild Hogs, Nicky C goes on a Easy Rider style journey across the America’s, with Martin Lawrence (played by Idris Elba) in tow. And that sweaty little dipshit gets into so much trouble on this road trip: he’s mixing it up with an elderly old woman of a man [...]

SWORDFISH (2001)

STARRING:
JOHN TRAVOLTA, HUGH JACKMAN, HALLE BERRY

KILL METER: 3/6

John Travolta gets out-acted by his own hair piece in this noir techno-thriller classic. Travolta’s a massive failure at his current career choice: terrorism. And that ain’t much of a surprise, cause the only thing he looks like he could detonate is a toilet torpedo. Also, he’s broke as shit, he needs wig money, and [...]

THE SUBSTITUTE (1996)

STARRING:
TOM BERENGER, MARC ANTHONY

KILL METER: 4/6

Tom Berenger gets tough with some High School kids in this classroom drama. Berenger’s not taking any crap from these little shits, no way, and they’ve gotten pretty comfortable screwing with teachers over the years, but they just messed with the wrong Algebra 101 professor here. At first, Berenger tries to play it cool with [...]

THE ROCK (1996)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, SEAN CONNERY, ED HARRIS

KILL METER: 3/6

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Nicky Cage guest stars in a 90′s James Bond movie, where JB is just too old and frail to get the job done himself. Cage works for the US government. He’s part of the Computer Science Division, which is just a fancy name for their IT department. One day, while he’s playing online solitaire, he [...]

THE RUNNING MAN (1987)

STARRING:
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

KILL METER: 3/6

It’s the future, and Arnold’s an ex-cop framed for murder. He’s got two choices – go to prison, or be a contestant on some bullshit game show called The Running Man, where people run.. for their lives! It’s like American Gladiators, except with really queer Gladiators that want to kill you. Arnold really stretches his [...]

DEMOLITION MAN (1993)

STARRING:
SYLVESTER STALLONE, WESLEY SNIPES AND SANDRA BULLOCK

KILL METER: 2/6

Syvlester Stallone chases a gay, blonde, Bell Biv Devoe looking Wesley Snipes into the far future, where Sly learns that being a tough guy cop just isn’t as easy as it was back in the 90′s. The future’s got all kinds of rules and stupid crap going on, like people shit in seashells and wipe [...]

FACE/OFF (1997)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, JOHN TRAVOLTA, CRYPT KEEPER

KILL METER: 3/6

John Travolta wants to be Nic Cage so bad! And Nic Cage, he wants to be John Travolta. So, the government lets them switch faces, and they get to live each other’s lives for, like, a week. John Cage does drugs and goes to jail and Nic Travolta fucks John Cage’s old ass wife, and [...]

DIE HARD (1988)

STARRING:
BRUCE WILLIS, ALAN RICKMAN, SAMUEL L JACKSON

KILL METER: 6/6

Bruce Willis gets put through all kinds of shit in this Christmas Holiday classic. First off, he goes to see his bitchy ex-wife in LA for her stupid Xmas work party, but the building gets taken over by these gay German terrorists who want the money stored in the office vault. So Bruce Willis has to [...]