DIE HARD (1988)

STARRING:
BRUCE WILLIS, ALAN RICKMAN, SAMUEL L JACKSON

KILL METER: 6/6

die-hard-original1Bruce Willis gets put through all kinds of shit in this Christmas Holiday classic. First off, he goes to see his bitchy ex-wife in LA for her stupid Xmas work party, but the building gets taken over by these gay German terrorists who want the money stored in the office vault. So Bruce Willis has to kill them all one by one in some pretty brutal ways, he even shoots one of them in the balls! Damn!!

At some point he partners up with rookie cop Carl Winslow, who really doesn’t do much except tell him all these lame ass stories over a walkie talkie. I think Bruce Willis must’ve been kind of pissed about that, because they were pretty goddamn dull, and that’s really the last thing you need to hear when you’re trying to kill a bunch of machine gun totting German terrorists. But this guy just goes on and on, with shit like “my wife keeps telling me I gotta lay off the donuts…” and “One time I shot this kid who had a water pistol, cause I thought it was a real gun..” Boring as hell.

die_hard_2Anyway, after he’s done taking care of all that terrorist crap, and he’s just trying to relax a little, his ex-wife calls him up again and tells him to meet her at the fucking airport. And, guess what? The airport gets taken over by those same German assholes! This time, they want the government to just give them money, or they’ll start blowing up airplanes. So, Willis steps up and starts killing these dudes off all over again, and he has to partner back up with that same worthless, story telling fatass Winslow cop, which you can tell he’s not happy about at all. But he gets the job done and shoots all the Germans he can find. This time he also does things the right way and blows up the leftover terrorist dickheads in a plane while it’s taking off.

Hans-Close-Up-Listening-to-Ellis-Die-Hard-hans-gruber-19094549-1280-720After that, he’s pretty much done with his ex-wife and foreign terrorists, so he moves to New York to get away from her and all of her bullshit, but the gay German guys follow him there too! This time around, he partners up with a different black guy, Samuel L Jackson, who’s way more helpful than Winslow, and actually kills a German or two when he gets the chance. Finally, when they’ve killed all of these Germans, they give each other this really meaningful look, and they’re both like “Fuck ex-wives, let’s you and me just hang out together from now on!”

unbreakable-1So, They both retire and move into a rest home, at this point they’re pretty goddamn old anyway, and it’s all paid for cause BW kept a bunch of the money from the office vault back in LA, so they’re kinda living it up. They spend their days racing each other through the hallways in their wheelchairs, joking about the shit they’ve done in the past and all the German assholes they murdered, and they’re both pretty happy here. But, the rest home gets taken over, this time it’s not by gay Germans though, it’s actually Bruce Willis’ ex-wife and his fat ex-partner, Winslow. They’re both totally out for revenge since BW just completely ditched them back in LA and took all the office vault money with him. Willis and Jackson have to do some crazy wheeling around, they keep getting lost in the retirement home because they’re so goddamn old and alzheimery!

Well, they eventually save the retirement palace and blow up the bad guys, and finally they both decide it’s better to just not retire after all, and they agree to just keep doing this same old shit for the rest of their lives. So they go back to NY and back to being cops, and (hopefully) come back for a sequel!

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