ERASER (1996)

STARRING:
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, VANESSA WILLIAMS, JAMES CAAN

KILL METER: 3/6

eraser-arnie2In this prequel to Terminator, Arnold gets his first assignment. Skynet wants him to track down Vanessa Williams, and ERASE her fucking ass. This is before he got promoted to Terminator status, his job title is weak as shit, it’s just “The Eraser”. It’s kind of like the difference between Eagle Scout and Brownie, I guess.

eraser-movie-still-3Anyway, he’s gotta fight off her bodyguard, but it’s just a physically active, 80 years young James Caan. It seriously shouldn’t have been a big challenge for him here, Arnold could’ve yelled in the guy’s face and it would’ve somehow broken his hip. And yet, this old fart keeps cock blocking him every step of the way, just when he’s about to end Vanessa Williams and save the future, geriatric Sonny Corleone jumps out and swipes at him with a limp ass karate chop, or a slow kick that looks like it’s hurting Caan way more than Arnold. The guy is making Schwarzenegger look like a fucking incompetent asshole, and not even his punny bullshit can save him now. Skynet is seriously thinking it should just give Van Damme, or, hell, even Gary Busey a Terminator certificate instead.

500full-2In the end, Arnold finally takes out frail, brittle Caan, and then, in a really redeeming action sequence, he wrestles a giant fucking alligator to death with his bare hands. Yep, Vanessa Williams wasn’t taking any chances, even though that senior citizen Caan kept mumbling about how she was “hunky dorey” with him, and he’d totally protect her, right after he took his daily meds so he could stay “regular”, she still thought she’d need some backup here. So, she bought an alligator, and gave that motherfucker growth hormones or some shit, cause he’s huge!

eraser-arnold-schwarzenegger-bad-animated-alligatorArnold fucking rips that son of a bitch’s alligator ass in half, and then, he turns his attention on VW, and she’s all like “wait, wait, Eraser, let’s cut a deal here.” and Arnold’s just shaking his big melon head back and forth, and he comes back at her with his classic line “Hasta La Vista, Vanessa.”

2163_1_screenshotHe takes VW out, saves the day, and gets promoted. And everything is smooth sailing for him after that, all the other Terminator’s are like “that’s the guy, who killed that other guy and that alligator. Oh, and Vanessa Williams too.” He’s top dog around the terminator water cooler. Until T2 that is, cause then he gets sent to kill that bratty little¬†shithead kid on a bike. And we all know it doesn’t end too good for him on that mission‚Ķ

eraser-arnold-schwarzenegger-plane

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