FACE/OFF (1997)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, JOHN TRAVOLTA, CRYPT KEEPER

KILL METER: 3/6

face_off_cap_311-1John Travolta wants to be Nic Cage so bad! And Nic Cage, he wants to be John Travolta. So, the government lets them switch faces, and they get to live each other’s lives for, like, a week. John Cage does drugs and goes to jail and Nic Travolta fucks John Cage’s old ass wife, and neither one of them is really happy with the situation, so they switch back in the end. Also, they shoot guns at each other every time they meet up.

nic-cage-planeWhat’s weird here is, when Nic Cage becomes John Travolta, they don’t just give him JT’s face. They also pump fat and shit into his body, so he’ll look like JT. And they give him Travolta’s hair wig. And Travolta? They lipo all that crap out and give him a receding hairline, so he’ll look like Nicky Cage. So, it aint just a Face off, it’s a whole body off. They probably switched dicks too, they’re so into the fucking little details here. But, in the end, when they swap faces back, don’t you think JT would be like “you know what? Maybe don’t pump all that fat and crap back into my body, cause I like being healthy, looking slim, and since I went ahead and got the goddamn liposuction anyway, maybe just keep that fatty shit and use it for soap or something. Also, I’m gonna get a hotter wife, now that I’m in shape and don’t look like a fat lesbian.” But, none of that happens, he just goes back to his old, fat life and stays with his bony ass fucking crypt keeper bride. I don’t know what happens to Nicky Cage, I think they just freeze dry him in case Travolta changes his mind later on.

2121044491_8cc9986391The lesson here is- be yourself, but try and be your best self. Don’t just settle for whatever life throws at you, get in shape or get lipo and get a hot wife, then you won’t want to switch identities with some weirdo dickhead you thinks got it so much better than you.

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