G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (2013)

STARRING:
CHANNING TATUM, THE ROCK, BRUCE WILLIS

KILL METER: 2/6

02_COBRAChanning Tatum and The Rock star in this movie based on a bunch of toys I had when I was 6. Tatum is the head G.I. Joe, and he sucks so badly at his job, he gets killed in the first 10 minutes of this thing. The Rock takes over for him, he’s way balder and way buffer, so he makes a better Joe leader, but he’s in a pretty bad way here. Thanks to that fucking nitwit Tatum, he’s only got a 2 man team left, and one of them’s not even a man! It’s a girl!!

gi-joe-retaliation-pict06Anyways, The Rock and his little half-girl gang start walking across this bumfuck desert deep in the Middle East, and, in the next scene, they’re suddenly strolling down a bright, palm tree lined California street. If you walk hard enough, you can make it across the whole damn planet in a day, dude.

The-Rock-Roadblock-GI-Joe-1Also, Snake Eyes sucks a big one in this movie. He’s never around and just basically phones it in when he’s onscreen. I guess maybe the paycheck wasn’t big enough for him to actually put any effort into his acting performance. Fucking prima donna’s!

GI-Joe-film-sceneOn the plus side, The RZA shows up. He’s a blind old karate master, and the principal of the Ninja Academy that doubles for what looks like the DeVry Technical Institute. All of those ninja’s must’ve been trained to fight each other with, like, staplers, and TPS reports, and just whatever’s on hand. And they never go into the RZA’s backstory, like why he’s blind or if he’s actually just the DeVry janitorial technician moonlighting as a ninja trainer, whose claiming to know Karate. So, I didn’t have a real connection with this character.

j-stone-g-i-joe-retaliation-blind-masterAt some point, The Rock realizes that, to get the job done here, he’s gotta get more than just a lady and some Depeche Mode looking guy on his crew, so he recruits an old Bruce Willis to assist him. Then, this movie shows what it’s really┬ámade of: a bunch of bald dudes shooting and kicking and punching each other’s balls off.

gi-joe-conspiration-retaliation13GI-JOE-RETALIATION-1This movie gets 2 bullets. It could’ve gotten 1, but they killed Channing Tatum off in the beginning, so it deserves a 2.

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