In this gritty Director’s Cut of Wild Hogs, Nicky C goes on a Easy Rider style journey across the America’s, with Martin Lawrence (played by Idris Elba) in tow. And that sweaty little dipshit gets into so much trouble on this road trip: he’s mixing it up with an elderly old woman of a man that calls itself Satan while evil albino bikers hunt him down across the desert, and he finally ends up cursed to ride a shitty Harley with a flaming CGI skull strapped to his giant noggin for all eternity.
I guess Cage’s idea of looking like a threatening badass is him bugging his fishy eyes out of his goddamn head and grinning like a fucking monkey in a banana factory. Sometimes, with the power bestowed upon him by Satan’s grandma, he’ll transform into a flaming, skull-faced retard, just to freak people out. But that’s his mistake, cause I think normal Cage face is way, way scarier to look at than some friggin skull.
Also, when Cage is wearing his flamey skeleton getup, he pisses, barfs and farts fire. I guess everything that shoots out of him is probably made of fire. Eva Mendes better make him wear a flameproof condom when he gives her a Cage Hump. And, when he’s done boxing the clown, does he just randomly set his goddamn hand on fire? So many stupid, unanswered questions…
Oh, and I hope the Devil brought a lot of tampons with him, cause he’s a giant pussy in this movie. Like, if Nicolas Cage can kick your ass, you seriously don’t deserve to rule the underworld, dude. And why is Satan so goddamn old? He looks like an ancient, makeup-less drag queen.
Lawrence and Cage finally kill everybody, and they give each other a big, clammy high-five on a job well done. But then, when Cage is turning away, he blasts a big fireball out of his ass, right into Lawrence’s face, just for shits and giggles. That fucking nuclear fart singes most of ML’s hair and eyebrows off, and he is so pissed about it!! Cage’s cracking up, he bugs his eyes out and says his dumbest line yet, with “dude, watch out for all the paparazzi, cause I just made you flameous!” Raaargh!! And, so, our story ends Benny Hill style, with an angry Lawrence chasing Cage all around the desert to Yakety Sax sounding music.