By day, Cage works at an Exxon station, pumping gas for jerk off families, yelling for people to “just put the motherfuck next to the goddamn over there.” But, whoa, by night he’s mister fucking cool, cause he’s in charge of a rag tag crew of tough guy car jackers, and they are some real badasses here. They eat pizza for breakfast and stay up as late as they want, blasting Jim Stafford out of a boom box all night.
These guys run a pretty tight operation too. They cruise around Venice Beach looking for exotic cars, snatch those bad boys up, add some queer looking tribal decals, then try and sell the cars back to the owners. It’s not exactly the work of criminal masterminds here, mainly cause Cage planned the whole thing, and he’s a boneheaded retard. But these numb-nuts elected him as their head honcho, so they gotta be a few cans short of a six-pack themselves. Also, one guy keeps talking about all the different ways he whacks himself off, it’s super graphic and I don’t know why they included that shit in this movie, cause it made me wanna ralph.
Eventually, a bunch of cops show up asking questions. Then, the movie kicks into high-gear as Cage and the gang evade the police in the fastest cars they can get their oily hands on. Also, Cage bangs Angelina Jolie, which is just totally unbelievable. The guy’s a shitbird gas jockey at a roadside mechanic shop! Sure, he’s moonlighting as a “dangerous” criminal, but his car jacking plan was so goddamn stupid, it totally backfired in his face almost immediately! Why in the hell is Jolie even talking to this dude, let alone allowing him to put his puny little Cage swizzler anywhere near her?
The action scenes in this movie are like going on a fucking boring ride with people you hate. The camera keeps zooming in on Cage’s bug-eyed, sweaty face while he’s behind the wheel, barreling down the highway, and I just can’t believe in a hero that’s a balding, stuttering grease monkey. I mean, the dude belongs at that Exxon repair shop, cause he’s a huge tool.