1. Look at this fucking idiot. No, seriously, take a long, hard look at those giant, fear-soaked eyeballs, jammed in that lumpy, shrieking face. Well, guess what? That’s what this guy looks all of the goddamn time. Even when he’s just calmly talking to people about the weather, or his data entry job, or his favorite cat. The point is, I don’t wanna watch some epic action movie where the lead actor looks like a bug-eyed howler monkey who’s about to throw a shit tantrum.
3. What the hell is he so afraid of?! He’s fucking ripped and veiny and body-oiled all the fuck up, yet he lives in a world of terror and fear. Also, he’s supposed to be this badass mythical hero, not some whiny little bitch that’s crying harder than my niece after she fell off her gay Hanna Montana cycle in our driveway. Maybe we should just call him HER-cules. Haha, get it? Cause he’s a girl! Or, ok, if you don’t like that one, how about She-cules… you decide.
4. Even the lion he’s wearing as a hat looks a little scared. On a side note, this movie was made by the same guy that wanted to direct a sequel to Trainspotting. It was going to all take place on a flight, and he wanted to call it Planespotting… so, yeah, that’s the genius sitting behind the camera, directing this pile.
6. I mean, alright, fighting for your life on the battlefield must be pretty scary. But c’mon, dude, you’re Hercules. Get your balls out of your purse and act like a frigging man. I know you’re wearing a skirt in this movie, but that doesn’t mean you’re also sporting a goddamn vag now too.
7. Honestly, I would’ve preferred a chick version of Hercules, rather than this guy, living in constant fear of everything. Then we really could’a called it HER-cules (or She-cules, it’s up to you still).