HIGHLANDER (1986)

STARRING:
CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT, SEAN CONNERY, CLANCY BROWN

KILL METER: 4/6

highlanderimage01Christopher Lambert shows off his acting chops in this sci-fi fantasy classic. He’s an immortal twat that runs around cutting other dude’s heads off, all for some kind of prize. What’s the prize? I got no idea, but he wants it soo bad, he’ll lop guy’s noggins off left and right so he can get his sweaty little hands on it.

1386550712_3f08152838_oOur story begins in Scotland. The year is fifteen hundred and whatever. Lambert’s a simple sheep fucker, living off the land, minding his own business, until one day he gets into a brawl, and some freak with a skull on his head stabs him right in the store. Yep, he gets his package shredded. Fuck!! But then, after a few nights of what’s gotta be the worst pain any guy could ever go through, his medieval mess heals right up, and he’s ready to go back to the usual sheep banging, and haggis eating, and all the other shit Scots do with their spare time.

But the locals in his village are not having that, no way. Those skirt wearing numbskulls chase his ass outta town, all cause he got stabbed in a brawl and, miraculously, recovered from his wounds! Just imagine how absolutely shitty living back then must’ve been: you either get killed by some cock monkey, or, if you manage to survive long enough, your whole fucking village might get suspicious you’re in cahoots with Satan, and come at you with crap like “I think he’s a witchy person. Kill the witch person!!!!” Medieval times was such a shit-sucking era to be born into, if you weren’t getting a sword shoved in your nuts, you were being accused of satanism for just for living too long. The present is where it’s at! I got a fucking iPhone! And nobody’s stabbing my batch! Seriously, that’s all anyone can ask for.

scifi185Eventually, Lambert runs into Sean Connery, who tells him he’s actually a Highlander, which is basically just a fancy name for a guy who can live forever, and that’s why he survived the ball gouging. So, this is where shit goes off the deep end, cause Connery is supposed to be a Spaniard, and Lambert’s supposed to be Scottish. That’s some crazy, bullshit casting there, cause Connery’s about as Spanish as Macaulay Culkin. And Sean C, he doesn’t do accents, so he’s a Spanish guy that sounds a lot like Braveheart. And who knows where the hell Lambert’s from, I just know it ain’t Scotland.

connery-highlander-hats1Anyway, these two bozos learn to sword fight and mess around for a while, until one day, when Lambert’s out taking a romantic walk on the moors by himself, this shitfaced highlander with a really ugly mug shows up and kills Connery. Also, this guy is seriously the hugest cock gobbler that ever lived, cause, after he deals with SC, he bangs Lambert’s girl! Asshole!!

tumblr_lvwrkyDeHB1qfxtpio1_400Fast-forward to the 80′s – Lambert’s living in New York now, still doing his goofy sword fighting high jinks with people, and dreaming about this really awesome prize Connery told him about back in Scotland times. Apparently, the only way to win this amazing prize is to have a series of super queer looking duels with other Highlanders, until there’s only one Highlander left, cause there can be only one! So, Lambert’s gotten pretty good at crossing swords with other guys over the years, he’s really into man on man action. Sometimes, he’s the man inside the other man, when he stabs a guy from behind, etc.

One day, he runs into that same immortal dickweed from, like, 400 years ago, the dude that ended Connery and screwed his chick. Well, they have it out like nobody’s business, fighting on rooftops, jumping and spinning around with their swords and, seriously, just buy a gun, Lambert! This could’ve been over in, like, 10 seconds if you’d packed a Beretta instead of your fruity little jousting blade.

highlander-1In the end, Lambert cuts that jags head right off. And then he finally gets his prize.. and, guess what? It fucking sucks so hard!! See, Connery never told him what this reward actually was and, it turns out, his “prize” is that he gets turned into just a normal guy, with a bunch of normal guy problems. No more epic sword battles and living forever, dude, now you’re gonna grow old, get diabetes and, possibly, chlamydia to boot. Probably a whole ton of other shit too. You know, crap normal people gotta worry about on a daily basis. Enjoy!!

HighlanderQuickening4 Bullets: The movie’s tagline is “There can be only one!” So sweet.

This idea wasn’t applied to the Highlander franchise though. It fucking should’ve been, but it wasn’t. Cause this movie is like a deep cut from a steel blade, and the sequels are like somebody smacking you in the face with a big, soggy, flaccid noodle. Or a dick. Your choice here.

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