JACK REACHER (2012)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, ROSAMUND PIKE, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 2/6

Jack_reacher15In most Tom Cruise movies, they use computer effects or just stack him on a bunch of boxes so he’ll look like he’s a normal sized person. Especially when he’s in a scene with another actor, cause about 90% of the adult population is roughly 2 to 3 feet taller than his tiny boy frame. I think, in the old days, they made the other actors get down on their hands and knees when they were next to him on camera. However, in this movie, they just said fuck it, and let that little Keebler Elf run wild all over the place without any CG help or crates for him to stand on. They call him “Reacher” in this movie, which has gotta be some kind of jab at Cruise, cause he can’t reach shit. Even with a foot stool he’d have some reaching problems.

JRHighRes1Anyway, Cruise is an ex-military guy, which you already gotta question, cause doesn’t the army have a policy against letting small adults join up? Maybe they’ve got some special program for little people or something, but he’s also a gay, so that’s a double whammy for him. Well, Cruise gets hired by this lady lawyer to help out on a murder investigation. At first it seems like he kinda knows what he’s talking about, he’s going on and on about Iraq and gun recoils and other military sounding crap. But then he gets into a random bar fight, and that’s when you realize you’re in make believe land here. It seriously looks like my little kid brother is beating the shit out of a bunch of dudes in a parking lot. It’s more realistic to think of Joe Pesci playing the main character in Kickboxer than to watch Tom Cruise fight normal sized people in this movie.

jack-reacherThere’s this car chase scene that lasts for-goddamn-ever, they keep zooming in on the cars and screeching tires so it looks it’s an exciting ride, but it’s really just Tom Cruise driving 10 miles over the speed limit. No cars get flipped over, nothing explodes, it’s just a road-raging midget in a Chevelle out for a joyride.

still-of-tom-cruise,-morgan-freeman-and-nikolaj-coster-waldau-in-oblivion.-planeta-uitataFinally, with some help from Morgan Freeman, Cruise solves the case. And Freeman is all like “Jack, you done it, we all safe now. Thanks for reaching so much for everybody.” and Cruise reaches up and shakes Freeman’s hand, then he vanishes back under his rainbow. The End.

2 bullets: Cruise reached for the stars here, but just couldn’t touch them.

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