JUDGEMENT NIGHT (1993)

STARRING:
EMILIO ESTEVEZ, CUBA GOODING JR, DENNIS LEARY

KILL METER: 1/6

judgment-night-onenightA group of preppy dickwads all go out for a “wild” night of partying, take a wrong turn, and end up in the worst, shittiest area of Chicago: A slum town run by Denis Leary! That’s right, the most dangerous neighborhoods of Chicago in the late 90′s were controlled by gangs of middle class white dudes.

JudgmentNight-Still2So, these friends manage to piss off the “badass” white guy gang, who all look like they went shopping together at TJ Max, and get chased all over the fucking place: on rooftops, through the sewers, and up and down crappy tenement buildings filled with people who are terrified of Denis Leary. What the fuck??? Some of these people are Puerto Rican, and you’re trying to tell me they’re living in fear of Leary and his 3 man gang of Burlington Coat Factory models?

MV5BMjEwNTE0ODIyMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzA1NTgwMw@@._V1._SX640_SY408_Well, these preppy assholes all kill each other, Emilio Estevez eats Denis Leary’s fucking heart while it’s still beating and gains his supernatural powers. Then, he takes over the whole neighborhood and, guess what, no one even knows there was a switch up! Because, honestly, if you’re afraid of Denis Leary, you’re probably scared of every white person you’ve ever met. Ellen Degeneres could take over this goddamn town without missing a beat. Rosie O’donnell and DeGenitals could run the streets of Chicago together, riding around in their PT Cruiser, scaring the shit out of everybody.

Anyway, I felt like I was watching some preppy white guy’s secret gay fantasy world or something here, so that’s why¬†this movie gets one, stupid, lame ass bullet.

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