LIONHEART (1990)

STARRING:
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, FOREST WHITAKER, ANDRE THE GIANT

KILL METER: 6/6

lionheartVan Damme is a soldier in the French army, farting around the Desert, waiting for the chance to surrender to the enemy. One day, he get’s a letter from America telling him that his brother just died. He acts like he really cares about his brother’s death, but, in reality, he really just wants to go hook up with the dude’s hot (ex) wife. And he’s been out in the desert for a long, long time. Not a lot of women there…

screenshot3206Anyways, he tells his commanding officer this whole sob story. He’s like “my braather, he’s deeadd!” But his asshole Captain doesn’t care about any of that crap, he goes and calls Van Damme’s brother a faggot and starts talking all this shit about his family. And the whole time VD’s got this look on his face like “you know I’m about to shove my ballet dancing foot right up your French asshole, right?” So, finally, he rams that guy’s butt. Then, he gets the hell outta there as fast as he can.

screenshot27836Van Damme has to make his way across the unforgiving, harsh terrain that is the French desert, right outside of Paris, until he gets to the shores of Europe and hops on a boat headed straight to good old America.

America is a really different experience for him. It’s cold, people roller-skate while listening to boom boxes, and there’s already a fight club, even though the movie hasn’t come out yet. Except this fight club has only one rule: There are no rules!

joshuaJoshua, a fast talking local from the streets of NY, sees VD at one of these clubs. He goes right up to him and says “show me what you got!” Then out of nowhere VD starts flipping around and doing these sweet martial arts moves.  He even whacks some dude right in the head with his foot. The guy goes flying out of a window and lands face first in a pile of dog shit. First, everybody at the fight club is like “whaaaaat?” and then they see the guy flopping around in dog turds, and they’re like “AHAAAAAHAHAHA HAAA!”

Joshua decides to take VD under his wing and train him to become the Lionheart so he can go get revenge for his brother’s death. He puts him through some insane shit. Like, he makes him kick a tree until it breaks in half. He also makes Van Damme serve tea to him and his Asian wife… while he’s blindfolded! Fucking intense! Well, after he becomes the Lionheart, he goes over to his brother’s (ex) wife’s place, where he tries to bang her even though she’s getting evicted and her stupid daughter is there, silently judging him. The wife rejects his ass right off the bat, she’s all like “my husband just died, and my daughter and I have nowhere to go, and blah, blah, blah.” VD even offers her money in exchange for some tonsil boxing. Still no luck! So, since he’s got no where else to lay his oily French head down, he ends up having to move in with his trainer, Joshua.

500fullWhile all that’s going on, Forest Whitaker shows up from France with a taser to take VD back to the army. He corners VD in an alley and he’s all, “we can do this the easy way… or da hard way.” Smart thing to say to VD? I don’t think so, Forest Whitaker. Not unless you wanna get a flying kick right in your dick. Which is exactly what happens.

MV5BMTM5NDg5MDgwMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTExNDgwMw@@._V1_SX640_SY720_Also, I forgot to mention that there’s this hot older lady called “the Madam” or “the Lady” or something. She’s loaded and wants to do it with VD. One night, just when he was totally about to bang her, Joshua sticks his head through the door, with his gold tooth smile, and shouts “Yo, JCVD, it’s bedtime! We gotta wake up early and kick some trees!” That was the weirdest part of this movie. I think VD and Joshua might have been hooking up. Gross.

screenshot23796VD faces many opponents as he fights his way up the fight club ladder: a guy in a skirt, a surfer guy in a leotard, a disgruntled red neck. But, in the end, he faces off against the toughest opponent of all: Andre the Giant, the same man responsible for his brother’s murder!

van-damme-lionheartThe final fight takes place at some rich guy’s mansion. At first VD is getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter. Everyone in the audience is totally rooting for him, but they can see he’s losing this fight so bad. They all start chanting “VD! VD! We want VD!” Even Forrest Whitaker starts getting in on the chant, cause he sees now that France sucks a big fucking cock compared to America, and he wants to move in with VD and Joshua after this movie is over. But all this encouragement doesn’t help at all, Van Damme is still getting so messed up by The Giant, and it looks like he’s gonna lose this one.

lhbscap0015fw6Just when you think he’s down for the count, Joshua leans over and whispers in Van Damme’s ear that Andre the Giant has been hooking up with his brother’s (ex) wife. VD is so pissed when he hears that shit, his face turns all red and his eyes bug out. Then, he proceeds to kick the living fuck out of The Giant. He wins the fight, gets a shit ton of money, gets his own place, and, finally, shacks up with the widow. He even makes her daughter leave the house and go live with Joshua and Forest Whitaker, so he can freely bang the (ex) wife without some cock-blocking little brat’s judgmental gaze on him all the time. And, on the first night, when the daughter is trying to fall asleep in that shithole, roach infested apartment, Joshua sticks his head through her door and yells “Don’t get too much sleep, we gotta wake up early and kick some trees!!” And that kinda leads into the sequel, Lionheart 2, where the daughter becomes the Lionheart and gets revenge on VD for fucking her life up so badly.

The lesson I learned from Lionheart: Any obstacle can be overcome. With money. Lots of money.

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