Gerard Butler’s the President’s head of security, and he wants to protect that son of a bitch so hard. He’s got his work cut out for him too, cause that whacky President is constantly getting himself mixed up in all kinds of hijinks.
At the very start of this shit show, the President and his wife decide to go for a romantic drive in the middle of a goddamn blizzard, like all married couples tend to do, and their chauffeur is drunk off his ass or something. That jerk crashes their limo right off the side of a bridge, and they’re just hanging there, seconds away from taking a nosedive into the icy waters below.
Butler and his ugly, mangy face roll up, take one look at this giant mess, and he doesn’t hesitate for a second. He rips the doors off that fucking death trap, climbs over that stupid, screaming wife, and drags the President out of the limo just before it plummets over the edge. And good ol’ Butler doesn’t even blink an eye at that shit, cause all he cares about is the President. His wife? Fuck that bitch, as long as his precious President’s all safe and sound, everybody else can go get donged.
Years later, some president hating terrorists attack the White house, and they are not fucking around here. First, they fly a huge terroristy looking plane right through DC, shooting everything in sight. They even launch missiles at that giant cock of a building, Washington’s big dick looking Monument, and the falling rubble crushes so many segway riding fat ass tourists and their bright, neon fanny packs. It’s a super grisly, colorful bloodbath.
Next, they organize an all out assault on the White House, and they kill about a thousand secret service guys. Like secret service guys keep respawning or some shit, cause there seriously can’t be that many of them patrolling the White House on any given day, but the bodies pile up about a mile high here. Only Gerard Butler survives. It’s totally cool though, cause he’s a one man army. The only thing on his mongoloid brain now is that he’s gotta protect the President, at all costs. He’s got plenty of chances to save other people, but hey, they’re not Presidents, so who gives a monkey’s ass?But that crazy President, he just let the terrorists into his secret, underground bunker. What a knob! He’s so bad at protecting himself! Lucky for him, he’s got Gerard Buttface around, watching his ass like a hawk.
Well, finally, Butler makes his way down to the bunker, just in time to watch as those terrorists execute the President’s secretaries left and right, cause they want him to cough up nuclear muscle codes or some shit, and he won’t give in to their demands. The US keeps flexing it’s nuclear muscles all the time. Puny foreign countries want some of those muscles too now.
Butler just quietly watches from the shadows as they waste a bunch of helpless secretaries. But, shit, when they point their guns at the President, that’s when his ugly face springs into action! He single facedly kills all those terrorist ass clowns, he even snaps the terrorist commander’s head right the fuck off. But that headless bastard still manages to put a bullet in the President. Oh no! And then there’s this touching, emotional scene where the President looks like he ain’t gonna make it, and he tearfully tells Butler “thanks” for saving him instead of his wife on that bridge all those years ago. Then, I don’t know what the hell happened, cause I’d been waging my own internal battle against building a massive log cabin since this fucking movie started, and it just couldn’t wait any longer.
When I circled back, it looked like the president pulled through, and things were settling back down to normal. The government’s cleaned up all the debris, and those bloody segways and fanny packs, and things are looking pretty alright again. But, suddenly, Butler gets an emergency call from Vice President Morgan Freeman: The President’s been captured by Space Pirates! They’re holding him hostage on their moon base made of cheese, and they want nuclear muscle codes right now or they’ll fucking feed his ass to their robot dinosaurs! Well, Butler kinda laughs, like “what’ll that loony President get himself into next?” He suits up and gets ready to get blasted into outer space to go save that screwball nut, and he’s like “don’t worry mister President, I’m on my way!”