THE BOURNE IDENTITY (2002)

STARRING:
MATT DAMON, CHRIS COOPER, CLIVE OWEN

KILL METER: 2/6
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Matt Damon loses his memory, then loses his shit all over a bunch of dudes in this acclaimed action spy thriller. The story kicks off with Damon getting fished out of the ocean by a bunch of slimy guido crab catchers. I mean, I know all Italians catch crabs eventually, but these guys do it [...]

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A LORD OF A RING (2001)

STARRING:
ELIJAH WOOD, IAN McKELLEN, LIV TYLER

KILL METER: 1/6
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In this high-fantasy blockbuster, a group of pansy midgets and their crotchety old man buddy go on a long, boring, never-ending cross country trip from hell, all to hand off some crappy, Claire’s boutique looking jewelry. Our tale bangs off in the shittiest age in human history: medieval times. Everybody smells like piss, they don’t [...]

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GHOST RIDER: SOV (2011)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, MARTIN LAWRENCE, SATAN

KILL METER: 2/6
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In this gritty Director’s Cut of Wild Hogs, Nicky C goes on a Easy Rider style journey across the America’s, with Martin Lawrence (played by Idris Elba) in tow. And that sweaty little dipshit gets into so much trouble on this road trip: he’s mixing it up with an elderly old woman of a man [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

TOTAL RECALL (1990)

Happy Mother’s Day, and see you at the party!

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (2013)

STARRING:
GERARD BUTLER, AARON ECKHART, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 4/6
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Gerard Butler’s the President’s head of security, and he wants to protect that son of a bitch so hard. He’s got his work cut out for him too, cause that whacky President is constantly getting himself mixed up in all kinds of hijinks. At the very start of this shit show, the President and his [...]

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SWORDFISH (2001)

STARRING:
JOHN TRAVOLTA, HUGH JACKMAN, HALLE BERRY

KILL METER: 3/6
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John Travolta gets out-acted by his own hair piece in this noir techno-thriller classic. Travolta’s a massive failure at his current career choice: terrorism. And that ain’t much of a surprise, cause the only thing he looks like he could detonate is a toilet torpedo. Also, he’s broke as shit, he needs wig money, and [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

DROP ZONE (1994)

Drop Busey.

VALKYRIE (2008)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, KENNETH BRANAGH

KILL METER: 3/6
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Tom Cruise is a Nazi. In this whacky, slapstick comedy, he plays a one-eyed, one-armed dumbass who thinks he can take down Adolph Hitler single handedly (haha, get it?), with a little help from a rag tag crew of elite goose-stepping goofballs. On a side note, I can see why the director chose Cruise for [...]

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GONE IN 60 SECONDS (2000)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, ANGELINA JOLIE

KILL METER: 1/6
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Nicky Cage gets his blonde “cool guy” wig out of storage for some high-octane action in this car-chaser extravaganza. By day, Cage works at an Exxon station, pumping gas for jerk off families, yelling for people to “just put the motherfuck next to the goddamn over there.”  But, whoa, by night he’s mister fucking cool, [...]

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THOR (2011)

STARRING:
PATRICK SWAYZE, NATALIE PORTMAN, ANTHONY HOPKINS

KILL METER: 3/6
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Point Break era Patrick Swayze gets to fuck Natalie Portman in this sci-fi action space opera. Swayze plays Thor, a bonehead, frat boy douchebag. He’s also an alien. He lives on an asteroid that doubles as a Lord of the Rings screensaver. There’s waterfalls, castles, dragons, and all kinds of fantasy crap – but not [...]

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