KILL OF THE WEEK:

TWISTED JUSTICE (1990)

New Rules!

RONIN (1998)

STARRING:
ROBERT DE NIRO, SEAN CONNERY, PETER JACKSON

KILL METER: 3/6
600px-Ronin-SAW

A bunch of incontinent old dads decide to go on a wild European vacation, hoping to get away from their butt-ugly kids and stupid, Tales from the Crypt looking wives for a week or so. But they end up getting more than they bargained for in this action-packed spy thriller. Robert De Niro is the [...]

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THE MATRIX (1999)

STARRING:
KEANU REEVES, LAWRENCE FISHBURN, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

KILL METER: 2/6
600px-Matrix046

Keanu Reeves gets totally boned over by Lawrence Fishburn in this summer action sci-fi knockout. Keanu’s working in a computer tech firm, minding his business, until one day he gets some Spam email from Lawrence Fishburn. The email’s titled something like “Lawrence Fishburn has an exciting new opportunity, free to try..” and like the gullible [...]

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BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984)

STARRING:
EDDIE MURPHY, JUDGE REINHOLD, GARY BUSEY

KILL METER: 6/6
eddie-murphy-beverly-hills-cop-2

In this gritty crime drama, Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is a hard boiled, hard drinking cop, working in the corrupt shithole that is the Detroit metro area. When his partner gets whacked off by a high-profile drug kingpin from Beverly Hills (Gary Busey), Foley’s commanding officer refuses to investigate the case any further, and tells [...]

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ERASER (1996)

STARRING:
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, VANESSA WILLIAMS, JAMES CAAN

KILL METER: 3/6
eraser-arnold-schwarzenegger-plane

In this prequel to Terminator, Arnold gets his first assignment. Skynet wants him to track down Vanessa Williams, and ERASE her fucking ass. This is before he got promoted to Terminator status, his job title is weak as shit, it’s just “The Eraser”. It’s kind of like the difference between Eagle Scout and Brownie, I [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

Commando (1985)

Pipe kill

THE SUBSTITUTE (1996)

STARRING:
TOM BERENGER, MARC ANTHONY

KILL METER: 4/6
The-Substitute

Tom Berenger gets tough with some High School kids in this classroom drama. Berenger’s not taking any crap from these little shits, no way, and they’ve gotten pretty comfortable screwing with teachers over the years, but they just messed with the wrong Algebra 101 professor here. At first, Berenger tries to play it cool with [...]

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THE PUNISHER (2004)

STARRING:
JOHN TRAVOLTA, THOMAS JANE

KILL METER: 1/6
02

The Punisher starts off as an average kind of guy, trying to raise his kids and bang his over the hill wife and just do normal guy stuff. One day, all of that changes, and the Punisher’s life gets turned on it’s ass, all cause John Travolta comes barreling into town. See, Travolta’s not doing [...]

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LIONHEART (1990)

STARRING:
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, FOREST WHITAKER, ANDRE THE GIANT

KILL METER: 6/6
screenshot4290

Van Damme is a soldier in the French army, farting around the Desert, waiting for the chance to surrender to the enemy. One day, he get’s a letter from America telling him that his brother just died. He acts like he really cares about his brother’s death, but, in reality, he really just wants to [...]

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KILL OF THE WEEK:

Enter the Ninja (1981)

Ninja Kill!