PASSENGER 57 (1992)

STARRING:
WESLEY SNIPES, ELIZABETH HURLEY

KILL METER: 5/6

passenger57_2-580x202Wesley Snipes is an ex-cop turned Plane inspector, working for the airlines in a really dead end job. See, years ago, his wife got shot while she was shopping at a Kwik-E-Mart, and after that, he just couldn’t face being a cop on the streets any more. So, he’s decided from now on, he’ll only do cop stuff… when he’s in the air!

passenger2Meanwhile, in England, a British terrorist gets arrested by whatever their version of The FBI is and, for some reason, he’s sent to America to stand trial. Maybe the death penalty came up in their talks of how to deal with this prick, and English people don’t really execute prisoners anymore, so they decide to ship him off to Texas so he can legally get his ass fried like a platter of Fish and Chips! Well, of course, the terrorist guy gets put on the same plane as Snipes. He gets loose about 20 minutes into the flight and starts reeking havoc, thanks to his crack team of undercover English assholes posing as American passengers.

Passenger-57-3Elizabeth Hurley, who was pretending to be a flight attendant and an actress, turns out to be in cahoots with the terrorist ringleader. Now, I’ve been on a few flights in my life, and every stewardess I’ve seen looks like my uncle in a wig with a shitload of makeup slapped on. So, I would’ve been super suspicious of her right from the start, she’s just way too hot to be working on an airplane. Plus, she’s a fog breather too, so it ain’t hard to put two an two together here. But Snipes hasn’t got a clue she’s up to something, and it totally throws him when she pulls out a gun and starts shooting up the cabin. Thankfully, he was in the crapper when this was all going down, and he decides to camp out in the can for a little while longer and come up with a game plan. He hates British people almost as much as he hates ravers, or the Japanese, but they got guns and he’s unarmed, so he’s gotta do some fancy footwork here if he wants to save the day.

Well, those crumpet munchers manage to take over the whole plane, and they’re using the hostages to negotiate all kinds of crazy, tea-timey sounding shit with the US government. The only person that can stand in their way now is… Passenger 57 (Snipes)!

MV5BMTAyMTgxNTk0MDheQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU3MDYzOTE1Mjc@._V1._SX640_SY429_At one point, they land the plane somewhere in Texas to gas it up. Snipes springs into action, he emerges from the shitter and chases those limey jerkoffs right off the plane and all over this goddamn ho-dunk town. But, big surprise here, some redneck cop sees a black man running around with a gun and immediately arrests his ass, so those tea-baggers all make it back to the jet and prepare for takeoff, sans Snipes.

Meanwhile, back in some Texas jailhouse, Snipes has got a whole lot of explaining to do. These hillbillies just aren’t buying any of this bullshit about British terrorists and Elizabeth Hurley on a plane, and they’re like “Weell, shit fire an save the matches, boys, we’s a gonna have us a lynchin fest toonite! Hot Dawgy! Git ‘er dun!” Finally, Snipes convinces them to get off their stupid, lazy, backwards fucking asses and investigate the airplane, and all those befuddled crackers can say when they find themselves on the wrong end of a sub machine gun with Elizabeth Hurley’s finger on the trigger is “Git ‘er dun! Git ‘er dun!” The Brits just waste all of those corn shuckers, it’s a bloodbath of stetson hats and wrangler jeans. But, Snipes uses all this carnage as cover so he can sneak back on the plane right before it takes off, so their sacrifices were not in vain. The Grand Wizard probably made a special announcement about their bravery that night.

89934_largeSnipes finally faces off against the head Brit and Hurley, and he throws both of them right outta the plane in mid-air. Then, Snipes lands the jet, and he also hooks up with a really smoking hot flight attendant. Because, after being through all of this crazy shit, he’s learned a lot about himself: aside from being able to kill a bunch of people on a plane with his bare hands, he’s also discovered that he can love again, which I think was really the point of the whole movie.

passenger57_jph_1561261i5 Bullets: Don’t forget your boarding pass!!

 

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