PATRIOT GAMES / C&PD: BOX SET (1992 / 1994)

STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, JAMES EARL JONES, SAMUEL L. JACKSON

KILL METER: 6/6

Patriot-Games-12In both these movies, Harrison Ford’s just really overprotective of his family. It’s like, dude, if you love that goddamn family of yours so much, why don’t you just marry them already? In fact, I think he’s intentionally putting them in harm’s way, cause he gets off on being this ultimate guardian guy. Like, in Patriot Games, Ford’s on vacation with his gay little wife in England. When they stumble upon a bunch of IRA bitches having a shoot out with some British dickhat wearing cops, Ford literally puts his wife in the line of fire, just so he can get the rush he craves so badly when he saves her life from an oncoming hail of bullets. But, when the adrenaline kicks in too hard, Ford goes a little overboard and ends up killing some of the IRA assassins.

6a00e54ee7b64288330168ec0aa95f970c-800wiThe remaining attackers flee, swearing revenge on Ford and his whole family… which just puts a huge, shit eating grin on his face. Cause he knows they’ll make good on their word, and the Ford Household will live in constant terror from here on out, waiting for these IRA assholes to strike at his stupid, helpless kids or his old, frail, emotionally drained target of a wife. Which is exactly what he wants. It’s like a drug for him at this point, but he can’t take a casual hit anymore. He wants that shit mainlined, straight in the balls from now on. His family’s living in Clear and Present Danger now, and he’s fucking loving it.

o-HARRISON-FORD-PATRIOT-GAMES-facebookLater, when he finds out his wife is pregnant during the whole IRA threat crisis, he cracks a smile, and mutters something like “Good. Good. More family to protect.”

patriot_games_19On a more important note, for my birthday this year, i got myself the Jack Ryan mega box set. It’s Clear and Present Danger and Patriot Games, together at last, in one combo pack. Plus, the website said it would come with a life-size cut out of Jack Ryan, so I had to shell out the $22.50 for the whole shebang. I mean, come on, Harrison Ford could be standing in my fucking living room, right now, warding off intruders, hanging with me for photos, watching over me while I nap out on the couch…it was too good a deal to pass up on. But, after I placed my order, I got a bummer of a call from the delivery service. They said the warehouse had run out of those Ford cut outs a while back, but they had something just as good for me: A coffee mug and t-shirt with supporting actor BLAH, BLAH’s face on it, and his fucking character’s name under him, cause otherwise you wouldn’t know who the hell this dude is. Even with that name on there, I seriously doubt anybody recognizes this actor, what movie he’s from, what the hell his fucking deal is. No way.

10322So, in the end, I’m wearing a shirt with some old ass zombie looking fucker’s face all over it and drinking my coffee out of his skull, and one of the DVD’s (C&PD) is scratched. It just keeps fucking skipping around, so I feel like I missed a huge chunk of that one. Like, why did Ford yell at the president in the end? Is he the new president now? And does Gaff’s Origami unicorn perhaps indicate that Ford’s daydream was an implant and that he’s actually a replicant?

Anyway, if you got an extra $22.50, and they restock those goddamn cut outs, it’s totally worth a buy!

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