PREDATOR (1987)

STARRING:
CARL WEATHERS, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AND GARY BUSEY

KILL METER: 6/6

scifi-exists-invisibilityCarl Weathers travels to the Jungles of South America with a group of ex and future politicians, so they can kill as many people as possible with no threat of reprisals. While they’re down there, they run into a craaazy alien badass who wants to decorate his shitty tree house with their skulls. The alien blasts their asses off with lasers and missiles and stabs Billy Jack with a double bladed arm knife thing and just generally ruins their vacation. Carl W does a good job of running around and shouting at everyone, but there’s just no stopping this alien asshole! Well, CW’s arm ends up getting chopped off, and everyone else just has a really bad time. Even the alien gets messed up in the end, so it doesn’t work out for anybody.

Predator_Carl_Weathers_Arnold_SchwarzeneggerThere’s a part in this movie where a black guy shaves so hard, he breaks the razor off in his fucking face. That part seriously freaks me out, I shave pretty hard sometimes, but I never thought that was even possible, and now I can’t stop thinking it’s gonna happen to me every time I get my face all lathered up for a shearring.

Anyway, the alien gets called an “ugly motherfucker” a bunch of times by the guys in the movie, but I didn’t think he was any uglier than most of the other actors, I think that it’s just the stuff he does is so totally screwed up it makes him seem ugly to everybody else. Jean-Claude Van Damme was actually supposed to be the alien in this movie, which would’ve been so fucking stupid I don’t even wanna picture it. That alien would’ve sounded unbelievably retarded if it had a Belgian accent, and did a bunch of spin kicks and the splits all the time, instead of stabbing people and lazering their faces off.

Predator1Anyway, Danny Glover shows up at some point, and he murders that alien son of a bitch and saves the day. Then, Gary Busey gets sliced in half at a meat factory, but you only see the bottom part of his body fall down, where’s the top half with his big stupid fucking face attached to it?? It never comes down! It’s still just floating there, his huge cave of a mouth hanging wide open, frozen in shock!

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