RAMBO III (1988)

STARRING:
SYLVESTER STALLONE, RICHARD CRENNA, OMAR SHARIF

KILL METER: 6/6

600px-Rambo3-Bow01AAfter the last two movies, Rambo’s just trying to live his life in peace. Actually, he’s totally not, he’s hanging out in Thailand beating the living crap out of the locals there, just for fun. By day, he works part time in a pit crew, fixing up some Buddhist Temple and, hey, when the fuck did Rambo get an Industrial Arts degree? He probably fucked up that Temple’s interior so bad, those Monks had to hire sub contractors to come in and clean up the whole goddamn mess after he left.

ramboiii14One day, while he’s sawing a support beam in half, Colonel Troutman shows up with Clarence Boddicker and asks him to come to Afghanistan to help save the local people from Russian invaders. Rambo’s never heard of Afghanistan, he thinks its in Mexico or some shit, and he’s all “naaoh, I’m dun wit violence, I bahlong heeyah”, even though he almost killed some guy the day before with his bare hands in his kickboxing class, and those fucking Monks are just shaking their heads at the Colonel, like please get this guy away from here, he’s causing structural damage to our monastery.

ramboiii07The Colonel goes back to his mother base or whatever, and I guess tells them to just go to plan B, which is to send Troutman into Afghanistan instead?! What the fuck? They couldn’t get anyone, literally anybody else? Troutman’s, like, pushing 60 and couldn’t pass himself off as Middle Eastern to save his fucking life, and they’re just gonna send him in there, undercover? Well, he doesn’t do too well on this mission. Even though he’s all decked out in a turban, and got himself a spray tan, somehow the enemy spots him right off the bat and they’re like “Hey, isn’t that Troutman over there in that Jeep, heading towards our base? And, the fuck is.. Come look at this shit, dude! He’s wearing a fucking turban!! Stop! Take the binoculars away, it’s too goddamn funny! Hahaha.. ha..Ok, lets go arrest him.” So, Troutman’s master plan of blending in gets screwed and he’s detained in some Afghan cave prison, getting cornholed by all the Russian guys there.

Ramboiii19Anyway, Rambo hears about this, and he just refuses to stand by and do nothing. I don’t know why Rambo has such a boner for Troutman anyway, the guy constantly puts him in the worst situations, then gives him zero support. If anything, Rambo should be happy about this, it means nobody is gonna come looking for him ever again, asking if he can come help out on some solo suicide mission or whatever. But he decides to go, and gets all suited up for Iceland or wherever the hell he thinks Afghanistan is.

ramboAnyway, he lands there and meets all the locals, and Omar Sharif tells him that to prove himself, he has to play a time honored game of skill with the town tribe: drag a dead Goat carcass across a field and slam it down on a rock before some other dudes tackle you. I seriously don’t know shit about Afghanistan, but I am 100% positive this is not a game they really play there. I think Sharif was just fucking with Rambo, and all those guys he played against were, like, the local retards or something. And when Sharif heard Rambo was running around with that dead Goat, he was like “wait, he’s really doing that?? No fucking way!”

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ramboiii51So, while this traditional Goat-ball game is going on, the Russian’s find out that Rambo is in town, so they send attack helicopters to come annihilate his ass. Rambo escapes, half the village gets torched, and Rambo just looks at all the dead bodies afterwards and he’s like “man, these goddamn Koreans… I’m glad I came to help them, they can’t protect themselves at all.”

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rambo3-3After that, Rambo decides to go rescue Troutman, and he kills one of the toughest bosses he’s ever fought in the most awesome way ever: he kicks that shithead down a cave with a live grenade strapped to his chest and a rope tied around the dude’s throat, so not only does this guy get his neck snapped, he fucking explodes too!!!

rambo_iii_1988_1920x1280_713997While they’re escaping, Rambo and Troutman steal a chopper and pile a bunch of Afghan prisoners into it, maybe to use as human shields or something. I mean, they totally don’t seem concerned about these people’s lives at all. At some point, one of the Afghans falls out of the chopper, and he’s just hanging onto the landing gear for dear life, but does Troutman help that guy up? Not really. He just lets him fucking fall to his death, then turns to the others and says something like “war is hell!” Yeah, they seriously wanted to help the local people out here. There aren’t any local people left by the time this movie is over!!!

(130409230552)rambo_III_6Finally, it all comes down to the last boss vs. Rambo, facing off as nature always intended two angry men to fight it out: A helicopter slamming head first into a tank! Somehow, Rambo survives that shit, and him and Troutman walk off into the sunset, leaving behind an entire village totally in shambles and a bunch of dead Afghans in their wake. Omar Sharif just throws his hands up and is like “I hope I never see those two assholes again!” Well, Omar, theres another sequel after this one, and if you don’t play your cards right, you might just be in it!!

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