ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991)

STARRING:
KEVIN COSTNER, ALAN RICKMAN, MORGAN FREEMAN

KILL METER: 3/6

casting-robinhood-590Robin of Cocksley (Kevy C), an English nobleman with the accent of a midwestern cracker, gets his stupid, corn shucking ass locked up in some Afghan jail cell for serious crimes against humanity (probably Waterworld related). Morgan Freeman’s there too, he’s in jail cause he’s black. Robin and Freeman make best buddies pretty quickly, and they break the fuck outta there together. But now, Freeman is tagging along with Robin for the rest of this movie, cause he bonded to him like crazy glue in prison, and he will just not let go now. Also, Freeman doesn’t have a ton of friends… and, well, he gets to be a pretty big friggin load by the end of this god dammer.

07Meanwhile, back in Europe, this mincing dick bumper of a Sheriff (Hans Gruber) controls all the Europe people with a rich, satin gloved fist, and he takes his job as a local law enforcement officer way too seriously. At Castle Cocksley, Robin’s dad gets offed by this jerk, cause he didn’t pay these parking tickets or some crap, so you can see where this thing is headed from here on out. Costner wants Kevenge!

So, Robin returns to the Europes to find his dad’s all dead, his home’s burned the fuck down, and that asshat Sheriff is running the town ragged with all kinds of bullshit fines and hidden fees. Littering?? It’s Medieval Times, you knob. The whole world is just one big garbage pile!

cine-robin-hood-rickmanRobin ends up wasting some of the Sheriff’s deputies (with extreme prejudice), and, while he’s hauling ass away from the murder scene, he runs into a group of faggy, retarded hillbillies calling themselves “The Merry Men”. Robin ultimately assumes control of this group, because, if nothing else, Costner knows how to take charge of a band of gaywads living in the backwoods. He’s from Minnesota, England for crying out loud, he knows how to command a bunch of yee olde buttfloggers without missing a beat.

rsz_peaoksjcgit8tiyehnb6i8vh2hvThere’s this one Merry Man named Sir. Bryan Adams who’s, like, a minstrel or something. All this whiny bitch does all day is croon on and on about all the things Robin would do for love (everything, apparently). He follows Kevy C around wherever the fuck he goes, singing his praises. He even follows him into the crapper at one point, and serenades Kevy while he’s taking a Dark Ages dump. Robin’s had it up to here with this pansy after that, so he has him publicly executed and bans any form of minstreling once and for all.

robin_costnerAnyway, Robin and Freeman train these bozos to defend themselves, and not just dance around and sing and kiss each other on the dicks all the time. After they’ve taught them these valuable life lessons, they start robbing all these English soldiers left and right. I mean, the decision to start holding people up was really a no brainer here. The guy’s name is Robin, for crying out loud. It’s all kind of coming together for Kevy now. When he steals shit from people, he can say his classic one liner – “I’m just Robin you guys blind! Hahaha, get it? Cause my name is Robin, and that’s what I’m doing to you.. Shit, maybe I should’ve kept that minstrel guy around to sing a song about how funny that is.”

Oh, since Robin’s family home got torched, him and Freeman have to shack up at the local Bed & Renfest, and Kevy’s getting pretty sick of Freeman snoring and talking in his sleep about penguins all night. Also, the guy prays all the fucking time, on the hour, every hour. Robin’s like “we all get it, you really love Allah. Can we just give prayer time a rest already? Some of us have to wake up early and storm a castle or whatever.”

1364_2Robin and Freeman eventually organize a revolt against that mincing Sheriff dickhead. While Robin is raiding the police precinct, that Sheriff decides it’s a good time to lay some pipe with this chick, and Robin literally catches the dude with his pants down and his medieval mess hanging out. After a fierce battle, Robin jams a sword up that Sheriff’s ass and calls it a day.

Robin-Hood-Prince-of-Thieves-Alan-Rickman-e1363768645640But then, Robin and the wench lock eyes, and they end up falling madly in love, and marrying each other in this super queer looking forest grove, with flowers and minstrels and the whole medieval works. Their wedding is briefly interrupted by Sean Connery, who pops in to see if he can throw a shot into the bride before the vows get exchanged, and to tell Robin “Thanksshhh” for all his hard work and for killing that butt slamming Sheriff and all his officers. Now England is free from law and order, and it can comfortably descend into anarchy, in the UK. For Europe!!!

potcap103 Bullets: In one scene, Robin shoots a flaming arrow into this fat guy’s mouth. So, 3 bullets, just for that part.

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