RONIN (1998)

STARRING:
ROBERT DE NIRO, SEAN CONNERY, PETER JACKSON

KILL METER: 3/6

ronin-headerA bunch of incontinent old dads decide to go on a wild European vacation, hoping to get away from their butt-ugly kids and stupid, Tales from the Crypt looking wives for a week or so. But they end up getting more than they bargained for in this action-packed spy thriller.

63xwNhh0HCMnQquvvV2kXwiHk97Robert De Niro is the ring leader of this fossil parade, he’s organized a ton of crap for these geriatric assholes to do while they’re in Paris, and one of the getaway packages is called “Spy Games”. It’s basically like a live action version of Spy Alley, with real locations and real scenarios they’ve gotta participate in. Oh, and some of these guys end up getting shot too, cause they’re using real guns in their little dad-venture here.

600px-Ronin-SAWSo, the old-timer’s all get these really phony sounding undercover titles, some shitty looking fake spy equipment, and a handful of generic dialogue they’ve gotta say to one another when they meet up. They chase each other around the city, waving loaded guns around, probably raising a major silver alert, and they’re having the time of their lives. It’s like they’re teenagers all over again, except now they’ve got lots of money, and weapons, and they can do whatever the hell they want. But whoa, only until 6pm, ok? Then it’s time for Matlock.

Well, De Niro gets so into his “International Spy of Love” character, he ends up fucking his best friend’s wife who tagged along on their trip! And it’s, like, a full on sex scene too. I think the director of this movie thought De Niro was hot or something, cause the camera keeps zooming in on RDN’s flabby gut, his fish-belly white chest, even his hairy old man ass! Fucking horrifying!!!.

Screen-Shot-2014-04-06-at-6.54.02-PMNear the end, De Niro and Sean Connery wind up crashing at Peter Jackson’s Parisian Summer Villa. And they’re in luck too, cause Jackson is working on all of the Lord of the Rings sets in his garage. He’s painting all these little figurines and castles and whatnot, and he takes a break to show them the designs for Mordork, Dildo Baggers, even the sets for Dwarf-Dong Hallow. De Niro and Connery are totally blown away, they’ve never seen anything like it!

1835_10_screenshotJackson’s so excited about the project, he even offers Sean C a part in the movie, as Gandalf the Gray Rod, but Connery turns that shit down. He’s never heard of Lord of the Rings, doesn’t know what it is. Because he’s never read a book before in his life… because he’s illiterate.

Ronin_group2De Niro and his Metamucil loving crew finally have to go back home and stop pretending to be spies or whatever. And, as they’re saying goodbye to each other in this little French Cafe, De Niro is all, “Heeey, don’t worry, we’re gonna do this again next year, I swear. And, ya know what? I’ll even bring Pacino with me. Now that’d be the best, right?” But they all know that’s not gonna happen, cause for some of these old bastards, there isn’t going to be a “next year”, and their final goodbye is actually pretty sad. But then, to lighten the mood a little, De Niro lets out a loud ass fart that scares the waitress so bad, she drops a tray full of glasses, and everyone just starts cracking up. The movie ends with them all laughing, and cackling, and coughing. Some of them even look like they’re about to have a massive stroke as the screen fades to black.

3 Bullets: Ronin makes the old feel young again. It might make the young feel kind of sick though, especially when they show De Niro’s wrinkled, ancient butt cheeks.

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