SPEED (1994)

STARRING:
KEANU REEVES, DENNIS HOPPER, SANDRA BULLOCK

KILL METER: 4/6

66686014Hot shot rookie cop Keanu Reeves gets a peek into the daily lives of Public Transit workers in this explosive action blockbuster. Reeves gets partnered up on his first assignment with a drunk, over the hill Jeff Daniels and you just know this ain’t gonna end well for JD here. He’s bitching about how he’s too old for this crap, constantly showing Reeve’s pictures of his wife and kids, and how he’s only “4 days away from retirement” – the guy’s wearing a fucking target on his head. Also, Jeff Daniels is played by Dave Coulier in this movie.

fsqh7q9uol897h9fOn their first day together, they run into mad bomber Dennis Hopper, who, it turns out, is a disgruntled, former cop. Now, he’s out for revenge against the people of LA, cause he lost a few fingers in the line of duty, and the guy is just a total cry baby. Its like, big fucking deal, Dennis Hopper! Quit moaning about your goddamn fingers, it’s not like you lost your whole hand! Sure, it looks all gnarly and fucked up now, but you can still hail a cab, or work the remote, or even give people a thumbs up, so stop whining like a little bitch with a skinned knee.

31770821-31770824-largeAnyway, Hopper gets a massive hard-on for Reeves and, for some reason, he decides to play a series of elaborate mind games on him, all with terrible consequences. Like, every time Reeves doesn’t answer his phone when Hopper calls him, or if he gets one of Dennis’ trivia questions wrong, a bunch of random people get blown away. Also, Hopper keeps calling Reeves up at the worst times, like when Reeves is in the shower, or taking a massive dump, all just so he can say his stupid catchphrase of “Pop Quiz, Hot-shot…” He’s a really eccentric bomber, what with all these rules and questions. Or maybe he’s just attention starved and fucking bored out of his mind.

speed-movie-still-2Hopper ends up blowing Jeff Daniels off (or “up”, not sure what the phrasing is here), which doesn’t really surprise anybody, the guy kinda had it coming. But, he also rigs a bomb onto a City Bus!! And, of course, he’s got some goddamn rules about this bomb: If the bus drops below 50, it goes off. If anybody gets on the bus through the front door, it goes off. If the driver honks a fart and tries to crack a window, it goes off. And so on.

Keanu-Reeves-Speed-1994Well, Reeves finds some kind of dumbass loophole here, and he boards the bus while it’s flying down the highway through the back exit. Right away Reeves forgets about the bomb and all the people that are gonna die, cause he’s distracted by a female passenger he immediately feasts his eyes on: the fine ass, 1994 model Sandra Bullock.

Speed-15Dennis Hopper gets super whiny about all of this, cause Reeves stops taking his calls, and since Hopper can’t phone him up with his all of his gay little pop quizzes, he just throws a major hissy fit. He starts blowing off parts of the bus, just so Keanu Reeves will pay attention to him again!! The guy is a total drama queen, and I think he’s secretly in love with Keanu Reeves or something, he’s totally obsessed with the dude!

Anyway, all the explosions and whatnot really slow the bus down, and the driver freaks out and has a mild heart attack, so somebody’s gotta take his place at the wheel. For some reason, Sandra Bullock gets elected to pilot this giant, speeding, out of control deathtrap. This leads to a ton of “Lady Driver” gags. Funny, funny shit here… But then some old, senile lady is like “let me off the bus, I have to feed my cat. My grandson is coming over later, and I have to show him moldy photo books and give him stale mints out of my purse.” And she will just not shut the hell up.

Keanu-Reeves-and-Sandra-B-006-thumb-560x336Reeves realizes the only way for the bus to speed up again is for them to lose a lot of weight, and his solution to that is simple: he sacrifices the crazy old lady and the comatose bus driver by just tossing them right out into heavy traffic. It’s still his first week at being a cop, and he’s not totally clear on all the rules yet, so you gotta cut him some slack here. Also, the bus starts speeding up again, so his plan totally works! People are cheering and applauding, giving him high fives – he’s feeling pretty fucking high and mighty right about now.

Speed_154PyxurzOn a side note, I heard this movie was actually a prequel to Point Break, which totally makes sense, cause Reeves is the exact same character in both movies: a lousy cop who does whatever the fuck he wants.

Finally, Reeves manages to save Bullock and the other surviving passengers, I can’t remember how but, seriously, Hopper has to be the most gullible terrorist who ever lived. I think Keanu Reeves just draws silhouettes of people on the bus windows with a sharpie, so Hopper’ll think everybody’s still on board, when they’ve actually managed to sneak off, and it totally fools him. Even though one of the drawings is just a smiley face. No details or anything, just a shitty cartoon smiley face.

Dennis-Hopper-in-Speed-28-5-10Later, when he realizes his big “I want Keanu Reeves” project’s in shambles, Hopper meets up with Reeves at the local metro stop, and has a big fight with him on top of a train. If you had any problem with the whole suspension of disbelief thing while watching this movie up til this point, now is where you’re just gonna lose your shit, cause in what bullshit reality could an old, fingerless Dennis Hopper ever beat the crap out of Keanu Reeves?? But that’s exactly what happens here!!

Right when you think it might be game over for Reeves, he somehow manages to chop DH’s ugly face off with an oncoming traffic signal! Daaaym!! But then, he makes some weird joke I didn’t really get about how he’s taller than Hopper now. Man, that joke fell kinda flat here. I mean, he could’ve easily just yelled “HEADs up!” or “That’s thinking aHEAD!” or something equally awesome. But no, he went with a height joke..Fucking missed opportunity.

Speed1Anyway, in the end, Reeves and Bullock hook up and start banging in the middle of the street. Again, it’s his first week, and his partner, who was supposed to explain all the rules about law enforcement, like what you can and can’t do when you’re a cop, got dead. So everyone just gives him a pass here, and they let him go to town on Bullock, even though they hold up a ton of heavy traffic with their public horizontal mambo session. Reeves and Bullock end up moving in together and everything turns out alright. That is, until a neck brace wearing Dennis Hopper shows up for revenge in Speed 2l!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Current day month ye@r *