STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)

STARRING:
HARRISON FORD, ADAM DRIVER, LENA DUNHAM (HA, NO, THAT FAT TURD'S NOT IN THIS)

KILL METER: 5/6

algbtxvoyzrkbxz3exvaA horse-faced dude fights a girl and a black guy in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

If you haven’t seen the other movies, man, what’s the rent like in that rock you’ve been living under? Seriously, you gotta at least go watch Empire Strikes Back, cause it’s the best Star War.

darth-vader-10-most-dangerous-star-wars-villainsReturn of the Jedi’s cool, if you’re five fucking years old and love little talking bears and puppets and shit. Otherwise, I’d say maybe fast forward that one to the end, cause there’s this badass fight scene between Luke and his dad and this old man that’s totally worth watching, but forget the rest of that shit. Oh, actually, the beginning is cool too, Jabba’s What The Fuck’s Barge & Party Cruise is pretty wacky. But, yeah, the middle part is a frigging snooze fest. And skip the first one, it’s just kinda like who gives a shit?

s6utmzzasldturmzjx9jAlso, the prequels are stupid as all fuck. Liam Neeson’s in them, but he doesn’t kill anybody or threaten anyone, and he’s got this queer pony tail that makes him kinda look like the Yoga Instructor my friend’s hot Mom was banging when I was a kid. In fact, he looks exactly like that dude. I fucking hated Liam Neeson in these movies as much as I hated Yogi Paul in my friend’s Mom.

Qui-Gon-Smiles-850x560Anyway, now that you’re all caught up, this movie’s pretty alright. It’s like, maybe #2 on my list of best Star Warses. There’s this scene where Han Solo gets lost in a space ghetto, and he tells Chewie that he’ll go into this Taco Bell and ask for directions. And when he gets in there, he’s all “Whew. And I thought they smelled bad… on the outside.” Hahaha, I’m just kidding, that doesn’t happen at all.

tumblr_o0nbgqr5D01rxm9ewo4_540star-wars-the-force-awakens-stormtroopersOh, but one thing does go down with Han that’s so totally fucked, I mean I don’t wanna ruin it, so just go watch it and message me or whatever after and I can be like “did you see that shit?” and you’ll be “damn, I did, and it was so fucked, just like you said.” It’s like, this thing happens with this one guy’s son who’s evil and the son’s all “sorry I’ve been such a boner, dad.” and the guy’s all “it’s not your fault, son. Your mother drank when she was pregnant, and, well, that’s also why you look like a goddamn donkey. Now come on home, you little bottle baby.” And just when you think everything’s chill, the kid stabs the dad in his chest with a lightsword. Balls!! But I won’t tell you who those people are, cause that’ll wreck the whole movie for you. It’s not Han Solo and Adam Driver, I can tell you that. So just go get tickets, like tonight or whatever, after you get done slamming ass with your boyfriend.

qvjznlpxtfrtqjl7qgwl5 bullets: this movie’s hotter than a Jawa’s nutsack.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Current day month ye@r *