STEVE JOBS (2015)

STARRING:
MICHAEL FASSBENDER, KATE WINSLET, SETH ROGEN

KILL METER: 4/6

Fass_BasterdsSo, you think you know all about Steve Jobs cause you buy his little computers and iPhones? Well, you don’t know shit. Michael Fassbender is a tornado of acting, and he’s here to show you all about the real Jobs, how he was a full-on badass who got all boned-up by treating other people like dirt, and asserting his will on everyone around him.

Steve-Jobs-Movie-Michael-Fassbender-03424This guy doesn’t play by anybody’s rules, not even his own. In one scene, he walks into this board meeting, goes right up to the head executives Kate Winslet (Titanic) and Jeff Daniels (Full House), and he’s all “fuck this computer. No, seriously, I wanna see you to fuck it. Do it! Right here, right now, unless you wanna lose all your Jobs.” In another scene, he humiliates Winslet by telling her that she can’t computer worth a shit, and he’s gonna give a Ted Talk later about what a stupid bitch she is. He also mentions he banged Seth Rogen one cold, lonely night, cause he mistook that fat, bloated, hairy piece of crap for her.

steve-jobsAnyway, Steve’s been treated like a fucking gold mine his entire life. Seriously, people think he rockets diamonds out of his b-hole every time he toots the ole backdoor trumpet. He’s living in such a protective bubble of ass kissing, it’s totally making him lose his shit, and everybody’s so scared of him, they can’t say no to any of his wacky ideas. That is, until Steve announces his new project – iHand by Jobs. It’s basically an extra hand people can attach to their bodies, so they can be more productive or whatever. Also, the iHand has built in voice activated features, like “STROKE EGO”, “WIPE ASSHOLE WITH CONSUMER’S MONEY”, “SILENCE UNDERLINGS”, and, the real selling point in Jobs’ mind, “WAVE GOODBYE TO UNWANTED CHILD FOREVER”. It’s just too much for the board, they have no choice but to tell Jobs that he needs to get out of the building. He’s totally iFucked.

steve-jobs-fassbenderWell, that doesn’t stop him from computering like a fucking mad man in his basement. He releases a new computer he built himself. It doesn’t work that great though, cause it’s just a screen that flashes the words “FUCK YOU” over and over again.

steve-jobs-movie-2015-holdingFinally, Jobs comes back so hard with a new idea – the Air Mac. It’s an invisible computer that people can buy for $2000, it takes up no space at all, and it’s 100% eco-friendly. It seems like the box it comes in is just fucking empty, because it’s “lighter than air”.

landscape-1442599007-hbz-steve-jobs-indexWell, the board brings him back on, because this thing is so cost effective, it’s pretty much free to make. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re just selling empty boxes. Jeff Daniels brings that fucking guy in front of the whole company, and he’s all “Jobs, you done it again! Welcome home, honey, I’ll see you in bed later tonight.” Jobs’ is back!  Oh shit, but he does not let anyone forget how wrong they treated him, cause one thing Jobs’ don’t do is forgive a motherfucker when they cross his ass. He’s constantly giving Key Note speeches about how he’s the smartest man who’s ever lived, and how stupid anyone who works for him or loves him is. He makes Jeff Daniels come up on stage and drop his pants in front of everyone, then he’s like “I’d take a picture, Jeff, but unfortunately, the new iPhones don’t come equipped with microscopic lenses.” Burn! But one person he feels kinda bad about treating like a piece of fat trash for so long is Kate Winslet, so as a way of saying thanks to her for putting up with his bullshit for so many years, he gives another Ted Talk about how she’s not such a huge, ugly, dumb, worthless, fucking ugly bitch after all. What a great guy!

x-men-days-of-future-past-michael-fassbender-magneto-post-hugh-jackman-x-men-who-should-be-the-new-face-of-the-x-men-moviesOh, then he dies while trying to shove his head up his own ass.

maxresdefaultSteve Jobs: the life and times of a huge iHole.

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