THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

STARRING:
ANDREW GARFIELD, EMMA STONE, DENIS LEARY

KILL METER: 1/6

THE-AMAZING-SPIDER-MAN-2Peter Parker’s a huge weenie. People just wail on his emo ass all the time. He gets pantsed and dragged around the track on a daily basis, girls dunk his books and shove him in his locker, even some of the teachers take a swing at him now and then when they wanna let off some steam. Basically, his life sucks a big, black butthole.

To make matters worse, this 25 year old high school chick’s ass he’s got his geek gaze locked onto is a total no go. Her dad’s Denis “Operation Dumbo Drop” Leary! And, as we all know, Leary’s such a goddamn badass, he ain’t gonna truck with no limp dick macking it to his daughter. So, Parker’s gotta keep his distance, unless he wants a cigarette put out on his nerd nuts or something. Not like that girl would touch his little dingus with a ten foot pole anyway, cause he’s a total cockholster, and everybody knows it. So, things ain’t looking good for PP here, and he doesn’t even have a cool robot buddy to help him out in his time of need.

Adorkable-PeterThen, one day, he gets bit by a radioactive spider when he’s on a field trip to some sciencey exhibit, and everything changes for him. Suddenly he’s got all kinds of spider powers, like sticking to walls, shooting wads of jizz out of his sweaty little hands, and girls are totally into him now. I don’t know what the fuck that last part has to do with being a spider, cause every girl I’ve ever met screeches like a goddamn hyena when they see a fucking daddy long legs strolling across the carpet, but whatever. Either way, girls want him to do sex on them now. Spider sex.

andrew-garfield-subway-spider-manSo, nobody’s slowing him down anymore. Even Denis Leary is like “hey, Parker, you’re an alright kinda guy after all. You know what? Go ahead and bang my daughter, and I promise I won’t use your ball sack like an ashtray.” Parker’s so excited, he’s dancing and signing and taking a spider shit in his pants, all cause he’s gonna get to honk a boob.

andrew-garfield-peter-parker-emma-stone-gwen-stacy-amazing-spider-man6Fair warning: things get really goofy from here on out. Since Parker’s got super powers now, he decides he should become a vigilante crime fighter, so he can help the community out or some bullshit. He even goes ahead and stitches together this really faggy, bright ass costume for himself because, well, he thinks it’ll make him fight crime better. Cause, ya know, that’s why cops are always wearing red and blue spandex tights and colorful masks when they’re out on patrol…

2012AmazingSpiderman04PR030612Oh, also, some other dude transforms himself into a giant reptile man. Why? I don’t fucking know why, I guess he loves lizards so much, he wants to be one. Maybe he wants to bone another giant lizard, but he didn’t wanna cross a legal line with the whole bestiality thing, so this was the best solution he could come up with, where he gets some hot lizard tail and stays outta the slammer. Either way, it doesn’t work out for him, cause he’s also got a lizard sized brain now, and it makes him act like a spazoid retard.

lizard-the-amazing-spider-man-_133036-fli_1366717089PP has a big showdown with this lizard idiot, he beats the shit out of him and chases him outta town for good. Then, he finally spider slams that chick. But, whoa, he didn’t realize he also shoots webs out of his dong now, so there’s a big disaster after they bone where her mouth’s all glued shut with spider spluge. Fucking sick!

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1 bullet: spider sucked.

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