The story kicks off with Damon getting fished out of the ocean by a bunch of slimy guido crab catchers. I mean, I know all Italians catch crabs eventually, but these guys do it for a living. MD’s got no idea how he got there, doesn’t even know his own name, and he is feeling pretty freaking low right about now. Those clam diggers try an cheer him up, Italian style: they ask him if he wants to do some docking, and there’s this super awkward, tense moment when he finds out just what that actually means. Then he’s like “let me the fuck off of this shithouse boat right now, you grease ball freaks!!” So, they set him ashore at the closest Europe they can find: France. Damon meanders a bit, hunkers down in some Frenchy park for a while, and tries to get his head straightened out.
Soon after, a couple of cologne drenched, cheese-eating cops see him napping out on a park bench, and they don’t get the whole homeless lifestyle over in Europe. They’re immediately all over his ass with shit like “monsieur, please, this is not an American movie theatre. You cannot just fall asleep here. Please do not force us to unleash our croquettes on you. You move along now, wi?” And then, one of them makes the biggest mistake of his life: he puts his hands on Matt D. Don’t ever touch a Damon! Well, faster then they can yell “retreat!” he grabs those two frog cops and snaps both their necks like a couple of stale baguettes! Dang!
When he’s calmed down, he realizes he’s actually got his wallet on him, so he checks his ID and gets his address, name and info off it. And he’s like “I live in Paris? That’s a really huge, almost unbelievable coincidence… well, lemme go check my pad out and see what kinda French craphole I live in.”
Well, when he gets to his house, there’s some shithead backpacker squatting up in there, and they get into a major scuffle. The dude grabs Damon, and, hey, that’s a bad move, buddy. He ends up getting stabbed with a pen and thrown out a fucking window. Goddamn, when are you foreign pricks gonna learn, do not put your filthy mitts on Matt Damon! Maybe if your an Affleck, it’s ok, but otherwise, keep those frigging hands to yourself!
Well, Damon farts around town for a while, trying to get some answers about who he really is, and he murders a lot of Europe people here. I mean, literally, anyone that lays their hand on him pulls back a fucking stump. At one point, he kills this fat Greek dude, then rides that son of a bitch down a flight of stairs like a skateboard. Fucking over the top.
In one weird, disturbing scene, Damon and this busted German chick are hiding out in a greasy motel deep in Europe. She wants to bump uglies, but Damon’s not feeling it at all. The Bourne Impotency. Suddenly, he’s like “ Say! We, er, need to, uh, change your hair. For a disguise… that’s right…a disguise.” He cuts her hair really, really short, and tells her to take her make-up off, and she seriously looks like a dude. I mean, sure, she wasn’t no Brook Shields before hand, but after getting the Damon Super Cut Special, she’s basically un-bangable. But Damon’s gazing deep into her eyes, and he’s like “man, you look good. Man, you really look…Man.” and he just keeps calling her “man”! Then, he totally Bourne Bangs her!!
I think in the end, it turns out he just hit his head or something and fell off a cruise boat, so he basically killed a ton of dudes for no reason. Nice one, Damon! Go see a doctor about that touching thing, cause it ain’t normal to just snap some guy’s fingers off for tapping you on the shoulder. And stop hanging out with Affleck all the time, cause that ain’t normal either.