2FABA79C00000578-3377682-image-a-70_1451409198180In X-men: Days of Future Past, Juno and her band of future ravers decide the only way to stop a group of human-terminating, metal dong humpers is to rocket back in time and kill their creator – Richard Nixon. They get in touch with Hugh Jacks, Captain Picard, and Gandalf for this operation. I dunno why they need those two coffin-dodgers though. It’s like, if I’m gonna hold up a Bank, I’m sure as shit not gonna bring my grandpa along as the getaway driver, I don’t give a flying fuck how “physically active” the old fart says he is. Well, anyway, they future zap good ol’ H Jack back into the 70’s, and he goes on a mission to hunt down Nixon once and for all. He’s gonna make that bitch resign all over again, but this time, from life. Permanently.

Anyway, The Danish Girl is about a dude that cuts his dick off. This movie made me really think about guys who hate their pony wagon so much, they just need to lop that son of a bitch off so they can go about their daily lives, sans wang. As a chick. With, like, a makeshift vacuum canoe. I mean, I’ve never met a trans-former before, but it sounds like they got it fucking rough. At first, while watching this film, I was all like “dude, don’t chop off your pork rocket!!” but about halfway through the movie, I started feeling bad for the little femme, and I actually really wanted him to just lose that doink already. I had some hard (haha) emotional feelings when the guy started crying about how his tonsil knocker is like a second butthole – it’s just giving him tons of extra shit.

l-1Oh, also, the guy-girl’s married to this actual lady who’s, like, way too supportive of this whole fiasco. I mean, if my wife told me she was gonna get a beef whistle stitched on her one day, I’d be gone faster than a fat kid’s dinner.

maxresdefaultThis movie had a massive impact on me. I mean, before I saw it, I was like “man, that Bruce Jenner’s just a stone cold gaywad.” But now, I’ve got this crazy respect for the dude (or chick, or whatever the fuck that thing is now). It’s like, I get it – your gender is a choice, just like your sexual orientation. You wake up one cold, dick-hating day, and realize you’re sick of the old meat thermometer? No problem, just hack that hog sword right the fuck off, cruise on over to your local vag surgeon, and have that mutherfucker sculpt you a goddamn cock holster.

alicia.vikanderWell, things don’t go very well for the Danish Girl here, cause doctors weren’t so good back then. They don’t have access to the proper schlong removing technology yet (they just use an old deli slicer for the operation). Also, they couldn’t Google how-to videos for “make dong = cooter” (no internets), and they royally fuck up his surgery. The dude dies on the operating table, right after they detach his thunderbird! And the doc’s just holding his lopped off tubesteak, and he’s like “damn, that didn’t work. Balls! Cock and balls!! Well, should I just, like, give this thing to his wife? Like, maybe she wants it attached to her now? These people are fucking whacky, I dunno. Balls!”

the-danish-girlIn the finale, there’s this super emotional scene where the wife watches one of her husband’s queer, colorful scarves floating in the wind, and it’s kind of like this powerful metaphor. Like, her husband wanted to be that gay scarf, dancing around, free from his penal confines. But, at the end of the day, he just wound up getting majorly blown. Also, Dick Nix gets wasted by Wolverine.

400px-XMDOFP_1155 bullets: “Balls!!”

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