THE MATRIX (1999)

STARRING:
KEANU REEVES, LAWRENCE FISHBURN, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS

KILL METER: 2/6

2028TheMatrixKeanu Reeves gets totally boned over by Lawrence Fishburn in this summer action sci-fi knockout. Keanu’s working in a computer tech firm, minding his business, until one day he gets some Spam email from Lawrence Fishburn. The email’s titled something like “Lawrence Fishburn has an exciting new opportunity, free to try..” and like the gullible dickfuck he is, Keanu replies to that crap. He ends up giving Fishburn a bunch of his personal info, including his cell number. So, now, LF is calling his ass up with a “limited time deal, just for you, Keanu Reeves”, and demands Reeves visit with him in person, right away, or the offer will expire.

larwrence-fishburneMatrix-C1So KR sneaks out of work to meet him at some shaddy, abandoned looking building in the projects. Turns out, LF is living off the grid with a bunch of former models and actors, kind of like community housing for unemployed has-beens, I guess.

the-matrix-1999These guys are total nutjobs too, they’ve got security cameras all over the place and a shit ton of weapons stockpiled up. They’re obviously planning some grizzled militia man style takeover, and Fishburn is, like, their king dick commander in all of this. Also, Fishburn doesn’t go by “Lawrence Fishburn” anymore, he’s given everyone at the commune new, 90′s techno DJ sounding bullshit names like “Cypher” and “Trinity”. His new name is “The Morpheus”.

The-MatrixThe Morpheus is all “Join our shared living space, Keanu. The real world has taken us down so far. But we’ve escaped their corporate constraints and we all live like this now, away from the government’s prying eyes. No rules, no bosses, and no parents. You can do whatever you want here. So, relax, tune out, and pop some pills with us. It’s the ultimate way to escape the confines of the system, K-Dawg.” Keanu takes a couple of colorful pills, I don’t know what the fuck they were, but he suddenly starts freaking out. And the visuals! It’s all kinds of crazy shit, like he’s in a big red pod, covered in jizz, watching these metal squids fuck these other red pods, and the ghost of Colonel Sanders is there, standing over him, droning on and on about his secret chicken recipe… he’s having the worst trip you’ve ever seen.

Neo_Matrix1_h1architect-490x211When he finally snaps out of that nightmare and comes to, The Morpheus takes him on a tour of his new digs, and it’s a total shithole. Cause these turds are all totally broke, they can’t afford real food or clothes anymore, all they eat is this sloppy puke looking crap and dress in burlap sacks and basically all act and smell like total hobos.

matrix-5At this point, Reeves’ had to be second guessing all of this, especially when The Morpheus introduces him to his new bunk mate: it’s a chick that looks a lot like a boy with tits. The Morpheus winks at Reeves, tells him to get real comfortable with his new partner, and, as he’s slowly closing the cell door, gives him this big, gap toothed, shit eating grin. Well, as we all know, Reeves’ has no problem banging chicks that look like guys, so that’s exactly what happens here, and it’s pretty disgusting. Also, The Morpheus watches the whole thing from the security camera video feed, alone, in the dark…

trinity-professional-hacker-from-the-matrix_100312595_lNot long after that, The Morpheus tells Reeves that he’s been chosen by some Oracle crap to take over as the militia gang’s new leader. He re-introduces Keanu to the whole crew as “The One”. He also gives Reeves the queerest nickname of all, he says he’s been blessed with the new title, “Neo”. Somehow, he’s got his hooks so far into Reeve’s brain that KR doesn’t question how off the rails all this sounds, he just goes along with it.

google-isnt-a-social-network--its-the-matrixAnyway, there’s some businessmen who want to renovate the commune building, they want The Morpheus and his squatter crew to get the fuck out of there. But The Morpheus, he ain’t leaving without a fight, so the cops get called in to evacuate their smelly, worthless, garbage wearing asses. Things take a turn for the worse, there’s this massive shootout with the government, and some people end up getting killed.

the_matrix_agents_brown_smith_jonesThe Morpheus tells Reeves he’s gotta escape, while he still can, and they’ll all meet up at this motel later downtown. And while Reeve’s is hot tailing it out of there, and he’s gotten a safe distance away from that crazy mess, that’s when he notices his wallet is missing, with his ID, money and all his credit cards. He starts to put it all together and finally realizes the whole thing was just a huge scam. See, while he was bugging out from those pills he gulped down without any hesitation earlier, Fishburn weaseled all kinds of info out of him, like his bank account digits, PIN code, Dennis Hopper’s phone number… the works.

The_Matrix_0057So, when Reeves gets to that motel, The Morpheus and trash crew are nowhere to be seen. But the businessmen and cops are all there, waiting, cause The Morpheus set Reeves up as the head of the militia, and he ends up taking the fall. He gets chased all over town by these government guys, until finally, they end up shooting him so much that he dies. And, while he’s laying there, bleeding out, the drugs The Morpheus gave him start to kick back in, and he has some weird hallucination about flying over the whole city while he’s wearing cool shades and a sweet duster, which isn’t such a bad way to go out, I guess. But it sucks the movie ends on such a low note, cause LF and the man-girl get away scott free and Reeves just gets dead!

desert-eagle-50ae-the-matrix-19992 bullets: It had some decent action scenes, but, for the most part, you can’t tell if any of it is real, or if its just the drugs The Morpheus gave Keanu. And if it’s not real, who fucking cares?

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