THE PUNISHER (2004)

STARRING:
JOHN TRAVOLTA, THOMAS JANE

KILL METER: 1/6

The-Punisher-2004-the-punisher-5985462-480-273The Punisher starts off as an average kind of guy, trying to raise his kids and bang his over the hill wife and just do normal guy stuff. One day, all of that changes, and the Punisher’s life gets turned on it’s ass, all cause John Travolta comes barreling into town.

See, Travolta’s not doing so good lately. His movies fucking suck, nobody wants to hire him, and he’s looking to get out of Hollywood for a while. He wants to re-invent who John Travolta: The Actor really is, and he’s decided to move to this small California town for some much needed R&R. But, he’s so filled with closet rage, he gets all worked up at the Punisher family the first week he’s in town, because he hosted a “Welcome to the Neighborhood, John Travolta” party and the Punisher’s didn’t show for it. So, like the giant cry baby he is, Travolta sends a couple of his queer bodyguards over to the Punisher house, with the intention of scaring the Punisher and his family a little, and making sure they show up for the goddamn “Happy Housewarming, Johnny T” shindig he’s throwing for himself next week.

punisher-2004-36-gWell, things get out of hand when Travolta’s goons pop-in and start rough housing with everyone, Mr. Punisher gets into a brawl with these assholes and, in the chaos, Miss Punisher and the little kid Punisher accidentally get killed! Damn! And the guards don’t know what the fuck to do, so they shoot the Punisher a bunch of times and run back to Travolta’s mansion.

The-Punisher-2004-the-punisher-5985477-883-577Travolta hears about this whole crazy mess from his flunkies, and he’s such a fucking self absorbed drama queen, he’s all like “Well, how does this affect me?? I was in Battlefield Earth, the greatest Science Fiction movie to ever grace the silver screen. Does it change all of that success? No? Then who cares!!” So, the bodyguards just clean the mess up, they bury the Punisher family at sea and hope to god Travolta stops screening From Paris with Love for them every night, as punishment for this giant fuck up.

punisher-2004-john-travoltaWell, what they didn’t realize was, Mr. Punisher wasn’t totally dead after all, and he gets washed up on some polluted, garbage dump of a beach in Santa Monica. Some junkies find him, bring him back to their squatter den, and nurse him back to health. After he’s recovered a bit, the hop-heads he’s crashing with are all like “what happened to you, dude? We found you full of holes on our drug beach, you were so messed up, bro!” But the Punisher, he can’t remember anything, he’s drawing a total blank. Since he doesn’t know who he is, or how he got there, he just gets high with these guys for a while, until one day, when he’s walking down Santa Monica Boulevard, he spots a huge billboard with John Travolta’s big, fat fucking face plastered all over it in an ad for Get Shorty 2, the return of Shorty, and he just flips the fuck out! It all comes back to him: the goons killing his wife and kid, the Welcome to the Neighborhood Travolta party he ditched out on, all of it.

the-punisher-2004-the-punisher-5985497-600-405So, now that he’s got his memory back, he is gunning for revenge, he wants to wreak a terrible vengeance on that fat, dancing ass clown as soon as possible. And he’s in luck too, cause, as it happens, Travolta’s filming a movie right in Santa Monica. It’s a sequel to Pulp Fiction, and the whole thing is being shot on an iPhone at the PF Chang’s right around the corner from the squatter den. It’s called Chang’s Pulp Fiction, and it’s basically just a really long commercial for PF Chang’s, cause Travolta needs the screen time so bad, he’ll do whatever the fuck at this point.

One night, the Punisher sneaks onto where they’re filming this giant turd of a movie, and he hot wires Travolta’s car with a banana in the tailpipe or something, so, the next day, when Travolta is filming the pivotal scene where him and Samuel L Jackson drive around the PF parking lot asking each other what their favorite PF Chang’s dishes are, that fucking car blows up right in their faces. The only thing that survives the explosion is Travolta’s wig, which I guess is flame proof or something, cause it still looks totally perfect.

PunisherIn the end, the Punisher gets revenge and everybody goes back to business as usual, and John Travolta is just a horrible memory for everyone. On a side note, I know the title of this movie has, like, a double meaning. Cause Punisher is the guy’s actual last name, but it’s also what he does to Travolta, so it’s some pretty creative writing here. But, the movie itself sucks so bad, it’s really the audience who gets punished for watching this piece of crap. I mean, just look at the poster for this fucking mess, it’s just Travolta’s face on both sides. Seriously, Chang’s Pulp Fiction looked better than this goddamn thing. So, don’t watch this movie. That is, unless you’re into getting some maximum punishment!!

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