THE REVENANT (2015)

STARRING:
LEONARDO DICAPRIO, TOM HARDY

KILL METER: 2/6

leonardo-dicaprio-the-revenant

Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio play a deadly game of cat and mouse, a battle of wits, an elaborate parry and thrust only the sharpest of minds could perceive, where the more cunning of the two will be crowned the victor and… ok, no, that’s total bullshit.

33343660-1453215270What does happen here is, these boneheaded fucktards spend about 3 hours trying to hack each other to pieces and maybe fuck / eat the loser? Not really sure what the end game was here, but I do know that watching a filthy looking, Hobo DiCaprio hollow out a horse so he can sleep inside it’s dead, rotting corpse is probably the most visually jarring experience I’ve had since my cousin decided to light up an M80 in her mom’s station wagon, and we went barreling off the turnpike into a fucking lake. That was not how my aunt expected her ’92 Easter weekend to turn out, I can guarantee that.

Leo-MAINIf you’re looking for a light-hearted buddy film about two wacky dudes getting into some zany shenanigans together, while also cementing their friendship into a deeper, life-long bond, than this movie is for you. Or not. I dunno. I fell asleep about half way through this goddammer, and got violently woken up when I blasted ass so loud, the startled lady sitting next to me knocked her soda over directly into my lap. So, that’s kinda what I took away from this movie, a long nap that ended with diet coke all over my balls. I don’t blame her though, cause that seat warmer I let off sounded like a fat kid on a damn tuba.

revenant-gallery-20-gallery-imageOh, also, Leo maybe got nailed by a bear in the beginning of this thing. I mean, that bear totally looked like it was humping him to death. Talk about being bear-boned, haha. Get it? Like bear, not bare… ah, whatever.

maxresdefault2 bullets: I was on the edge of my seat for most of this movie! Like, seriously, I was just sitting weird or something, I almost fell off my chair.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Current day month ye@r *