THE ROCK (1996)

STARRING:
NICOLAS CAGE, SEAN CONNERY, ED HARRIS

KILL METER: 3/6

6a00d834515ddf69e20120a5ab0be2970b-500wiNicky Cage guest stars in a 90′s James Bond movie, where JB is just too old and frail to get the job done himself.

MV5BMTYwMjI3NzUyNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwODM4NDc3._V1._SX475_SY332_Cage works for the US government. He’s part of the Computer Science Division, which is just a fancy name for their IT department. One day, while he’s playing online solitaire, he gets a memo that makes him just spew coffee all over his monitor: terrorists have taken over Alcatraz Island, and the government wants him (Cage) to get over there and stop those bastards from destroying SF’s number one tourist trap, also known as: The Rock.

It’s really not a very tactical plan here. Cage knows all about terminating software programs, but jack shit about terminating actual people. He’s never even fired a gun before! But those wacky government officials, they don’t care about all that crap, cause they’re just fucking bored and they aren’t taking this Alcatraz shit seriously anyway. What they’re really getting hard about though is all the hilarious hijinks Cage will surely get into as a bumbling, awkward, Don Knotts type of secret agent. Like when Cage tries to turn the safety off a gun and accidentally shoots a dude square in the nuts. Or when he slips on the stairs and falls right onto the terrorist leader’s face, ass first. You know, all the great physical comedy Nicky C is known for.

5036_7Well, the government sits down and has a think, and Operation Cage starts to sound like a pretty solid game plan. But it’s missing something. They decide what this hair-brained scheme really needs is a straight man partner to Cage’s geeky jackass. Somebody British, (or Scottish, or even Spanish?) with a dry sense of humor, maybe a former ladies man to counter Cage’s queer little antics. So, they do some Mad Libs and spitball ideas back and forth, until one guy mentions James Bond. Even though Bond is in his twilight years now, he still sounds like a pretty decent partner for Nicky C. The only problem is, Bond’s been locked up in jail since the early 80′s! Probably because he’s a fucking murderer, or maybe because of all the sexual harassment charges, but either way the US government caught him doing some illegal Britishy shit on American soil, and locked his foreign ass up for good. Well, they get Bond released, but only on two conditions: he’s gotta help Cage kill all the terrorists, and he has to promise he won’t just run off back to England before the mission’s over. Also, they give him a haircut, cause after all that time in prison he looks like Dennis Hopper during his Wilderness Years.

246_4These two guys are total opposites, and they get into some pretty goofy shit on their assignment. For starters, Cage can’t deliver a one-liner to save his fucking life. Like, in a very memorable scene, NC asks a guy “do you, uh, like Elton John? Cause I think you’re, uh, like, the Rocket Man.” and shoots a rocket into the guys chest. It’s.. you kinda had to be there, but it wasn’t a very good kill line. Then, later on, Cage is trying to act all tough around Sean C, and he’s like “I’m here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of ass.” and Connery does a double take on that one, cause it’s just way too screwy.

Nicolas-Cage-in-The-Rock-nicolas-cage-18205121-1067-800In the end, Connery and Cage defeat the terrorists and save Alcatraz, so tourists planning a trip to the SF Bay area can relax a little, cause their fucking monument to abused prisoners is all safe and sound now. C&C decide they just can’t work together anymore though, cause Connery really didn’t like Cage’s Rocket Man joke. He misses the days when he could kill a guy in a trash compactor and say something suave like “he had a pressing engagement.” and Cage, he’s kind of dead weight as a Spy Partner. Plus he’s like chick repellant. Unless you’re Elvis’ daughter, that is. But she also banged Michael Jackson, so she ain’t that picky, I guess. Anyway, C&C part ways and Connery goes back to being double-o-seventy or whatever the fuck, while Cage heads back to the computer tech basement, never to be seen again.

The-Rock3 Bullets, cause Nicky Cage and Connery make a pretty Rockin‘ team!!

Not really, they actually look pretty fucking stupid together. The Government would’ve been better off sending Dom DeluiseĀ and Andy Kaufman in to defuse the terrorist threat.

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