THE RUNNING MAN (1987)

STARRING:
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

KILL METER: 3/6

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERIt’s the future, and Arnold’s an ex-cop framed for murder. He’s got two choices – go to prison, or be a contestant on some bullshit game show called The Running Man, where people run.. for their lives! It’s like American Gladiators, except with really queer Gladiators that want to kill you.

the-running-man-special-edition-20090629053739379Arnold really stretches his one-liner skills to the limit here. He’s totally on a roll for the first half of the movie, but he kinda runs outta steam after he’s killed half a dozen guys or so, and he just starts throwing random shit at the wall to see what sticks from then on out. Like, he chokes a dude to death, then says “he was a real pain in the neck”. But later, a guy on a runaway rocket sled flies through a billboard, and he’s like “that really hit the spot”.. not so great.

MBDRUMA EC004There’s a really disgusting part of this movie where Maria Conchita Alonso gives Arnold a videotape she stashed away somewhere on her body. When Arnold asks her where she hid it, she gives him this coy smile and she’s all like “none of your business”. What do they want us to think here? Her butt? She hid it in her butt, didn’t she. That’s what they’re trying to say.

2235786,Ew1Au+EgkhcCnRN91HfHi3IAdiDtfQoSZ289M3ycDlNeLvkr2ZIXwAC6hh_T8A2HbNJMbTn0Yqcuqqw+krDp1w==Also, in the future, gyms have been outlawed or something. All the Gladiators look like tubby, rapey, over-the-hill lardos. One guy is an Opera singing, giant baby faced Gladiator called Dynamo, and he’s the worst of the bunch. There’s a part where he’s fighting Maria Conchita Alonso and, suddenly, his pants are just fucking gone and his fat ass is squirming around on top of her in his tighty-whities. It’s the most disturbing shit I’ve ever seen.

therunningmanAround the halfway marker of this thing, Arnold takes a chanisaw and sticks it right in this dudes batch. He’s laughing about it afterwards with his friends, and then he delivers his crappiest pun ever, with: “That guy really had to split.” Man, if you gotta cut a guy’s gonads off with a buzz saw, maybe, just this once, lay off the goddamn puny jokes for a minute and show some fucking reverence.

628x471In the end, Arnold kills everyone on the gameshow, including the announcer. The network is totally freaking out, cause who’s gonna host the damn thing now? But then, Arnold steps in front of the screen, and he’s doing all his jokey puns and hammy one-liners, and they’re like “Look at that! He’s perfect! The camera loves him!” So, he goes on to be the new host, and everything works out so well with his schtick, they end up re-titling the show to The Punning Man. Genius.

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