THOR (2011)

STARRING:
PATRICK SWAYZE, NATALIE PORTMAN, ANTHONY HOPKINS

KILL METER: 3/6

swayzePoint Break era Patrick Swayze gets to fuck Natalie Portman in this sci-fi action space opera.

thor-the-dark-world-asgardSwayze plays Thor, a bonehead, frat boy douchebag. He’s also an alien. He lives on an asteroid that doubles as a Lord of the Rings screensaver. There’s waterfalls, castles, dragons, and all kinds of fantasy crap – but not a lot of women. One day, he decides he wants to jet on over to Earth and check it out, maybe bang an Earth lady instead of a CGI dragon for a change. So, after downing a few road brews, he asks his dad (Hopkins) to loan him the keys to the space warper for the weekend.

la-fi-ct-visual-effects-protest-20121221-001Right after he drunkenly crash lands in New Mexico, he runs into hot scientist Natalie Portman. Score! He’s only gotta give her the famous Swayze Stare for a minute or so before the two of them just start sucking face. And Swayze can’t believe how easy this chick was, he knows he’s gonna get to bury his hammer in record time here. He’s so stoked! Also, he can’t wait to brag about it to all the other frat guys back on Medieval Asteroid Land, and hopes that maybe they’ll stop calling him “Dragon Fucker” after that.

thor6xWell, before they can mattress wrestle, some cock smacking government guys hear there’s an alien in town, so they show up and immediately quarantine his ass. But Portmania breaks him out of lockup, with some help from her super annoying, big-titted friend. Even though she’s only known the guy for, like, 5 minutes, NP’s already completely in love with the dude. She’ll do whatever it takes to set her Swayze free.

Thor_The_Dark_World_Jane_caught_by_Dark_ElvesIt doesn’t take long before word gets out that Earth chicks are super fucking easy, and all kinds of other aliens pop into town, trying to get a piece of some Earth lady ass. Swayze has to fight a bunch of them off, he even goes toe to toe with a giant robot that wants to space bone Portman too.

destroyerIn the end, everybody gets paired up with somebody else, and they all go away happy. Even that fucking annoying, shrill voiced girl with the giant sweater stretchers ends up with an alien boyfriend of her own. When things have settled down a bit, Swayze decides its time to head back to planet Alpha Omega Kita or whatever. But just when he’s saying his last goodbye to NP with a final tongue wag, she blurts out “Thor, take me with you!” Oh shit!! So, he’s all “um, look, things are, uh, complicated at home right now, but I’ll try and come back as quickly as I can, I promise. And I’ll call you soon.. that’s right… I love you too. Ok, bye… Bye, see you…Bye..” and he gets the fuck out of there, cause he got what he came for, but he almost bit off way more than he could swallow with this chick. Turns out, Earth women are not only easy, they’re also completely insane!

o-NATALIE-PORTMAN-THOR-facebook3 bullets: Dragon Fucker and Portmaniac make a pretty shitty action team, but they do get to kill a giant space robot together, which is super romantic!

Thor-and-Jane-Thor-2011-thor-and-jane-26482262-1920-816

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