TIME COP (1994)

STARRING:
JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, MIA SARA AND RON SILVER

KILL METER: 5/6

56395629Jean-Claude Van Damme¬†travels through time to stop people from screwing around in the past. He’s a TIMEcop. He’s also miserable as hell, because a long TIME ago, his girlfriend Mia Sara got banged and killed by a couple of butt rocker dudes, and he just can’t get over it. Why the fuck he doesn’t just go back in time and spin kick those assholes heads off is beyond me, but whatever.

timecop_1994_1So, things are going pretty good, Van Damm does the splits a lot and kills the fuck out of people who mess with him and I guess he arrests people? I don’t think he does, I think he just executes them. So the “cop” part is kinda misleading.

timecopAlso, if you go back in time, guys on rollerblades are always criminals. Don’t be fooled cause they’re dresed like your 14 year old kid brother, they wear backwards hats and grunge rocker shirts to just totally throw you off, but they will steal your purse if you’re not careful. And, when you’re in the past, you can’t ever touch your older / younger self, or else you’ll fucking melt into each other like a bunch of micro zapped velveeta. Sick!

Double-Silver

timecop2In a really unforgettable moment of the movie, Van Damme tells his GF “There is never enough time, Mia Sara”. TIME, get it??! This movie is all about how, if you don’t stop and smell the goddamn roses every once in a while, you could end up as a miserable jerk off in the future who gets blasted out of what looks like a giant metal butthole, far into the past, to kill some jerk off politician before he can totally screw history in the ass. Or, something even worse! You could be that jerkoff¬†politician, and get your ugly fucking face melted right off, all thanks to some Belgian asshole, who just watches as you and your past self basically fuck each other to death in a microwave. So enjoy the TIME you’ve got here, and watch this movie, it’s got a message for you!

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