TRANSFORMERS (2007)

STARRING:
SHIA LABEOUF, MEAGAN FOX

KILL METER: 4/6

Starscream_movie_toy_wallpaper_by_Unicron9This film’s all about Shia Labeouf, and how he becomes a man, against all odds. The kind of man who fights for diversity in his small town high school. See, Labeouf’s the new kid in a rinky-dink redneck shithole town, and he just does not fit in there at all. It really doesn’t help that he’s also this huge loner dickface. All his classmates, teachers, even his parents are embarrassed to be seen with him, and they all just totally ignore this little creep as much as possible.

Shia’s also just starting to discover all these important things it takes to be a Labeouf, and he’s struggling to find his way. He’s finding it really hard to make a connection with anybody when he’s got all these conflicting feelings going on inside of him. Like, for instance, he loves expressing himself through modern song and dance, and he wants to be a dance choreographer some day. He also wants somebody to understand him, for who he really is, inside, where it counts. Hopefully that somebody is this smoking hot girl at his high school he’s constantly trying to bang. But she doesn’t even know he exists, cause he’s such a goddamn loser, he can’t say more than two words to her without getting a massive boner. He just starts stuttering in her face and tries to hide that trouser bandit behind his giant binder, until she finally gets all weirded out and walks away. She thinks he’s a total zero, and she’s right on the money.

He’s also finding it pretty hard to make new friends at this school, cause these hillbilly kids just ain’t cool with some city brat showing up out of nowhere and trying to bond with them. No way. And can you blame them? Take a look at that crap weasel. Don’t you just wanna give him a swirly and beat the hell out of him, right now? Well, the local jocks fuck with Lebouf on a regular basis, and yell shit like “why’re you from round here, boy?” and “look like sum body done let tha gay outta tha closet! Ah har har har” So, he’s got it pretty rough, and, at this rate, he’ll never kiss a girl before high school’s over, let alone get the chance to finger blast one.

shia-shia-labeouf-desktop-wallpaper-transformers-hd-screensaverWell, one day, while he’s taking one of his lonely little walks and singing to himself, he runs into this talking Chevy Camero named Bumblebee, who’s really a robot disguised as a sweet car. They get to sharing their problems with each other, and, turns out, Bumblebee and Labeouf have a lot in common. See, there’s a whole bunch of talking machines hiding out in this town, pretending to be cars and pick-up trucks and even a trailer home that’s got a fifteen person family living in it. These bots are laying low, trying to duck this whole other crew of robot assholes called the Jock-o-bots. The Jock-o-bots wanna kick the shit out of Bumblebee and his buddies, just for fun, cause they’re the hugest dorks in their Robot School, and everybody picks on them constantly. They get fucked with all the time by guys like this, and they’ve just had it. So, they’ve decided to hold up for a while in this redneck town, hoping to Robot Jesus things will just blow over. On top of that, everybody calls them Nerd-o-bots, and the name’s just kinda stuck, so that’s what they go by now.

Transformers-Movie-screenshot-1920x1080-(2)The Car makes a deal with Labeouf: if Shia can stop these Jock-o-bots from fucking with him and his friends, Bumblebee will totally help Labeouf get laid with that hot girl he likes. Labeouf knows all about getting messed with by jock douchebags at this point, so he finds a kindred spirit in Bumblebee. He really understands what him and his friends are going through, and he wants to lend a hand. Also, more importantly, he wants to nail that hot chick so bad. So, he agrees to help the Nerd-o-bots out.

transformers_3_dark_of_the_moonThe next day, Labeouf shows up at school in his flashy new ride, and (big surprise) that slutty girl he likes suddenly starts paying attention to his dorky ass. He’s all stuttery and weird around her still, but Bumblebee makes Labeouf wear a little earpiece, so he can tell him all these suave things to say to this girl, and the plan works perfectly. He’s still pitching a tent while he’s around her, and he’s gotta use his trusty binder to cover it up, but she doesn’t notice it at all, so it’s totally cool. She even agrees to go out on a date with him!

megan-fox-transformers-bike-photo-587-origSo, that night, he swings by her family’s RV to pick her up in his new, shiny, talking car. They’re driving around, carrying on about all kinds of high school bullshit, and things are going pretty good, cause Labeouf is feeling smooth as silk in his new robot ride. He plays it so cool, when he pulls over and says he thinks maybe the car’s outta gas, it totally works, and he gets to make out with that girl, and even manages to cop a feel. On a side note, Bumblebee gets really creepy here – while Labeouf is dry humping this chick in the backseat, a tiny little periscope starts extending from the streeing wheel, with a camera on the end of it, and it’s pretty obvious Bumblebee is getting off on watching these two kids hook up. It’s totally disgusting for him to use his transforming powers in such a twisted way, but that girl is super fucking fine, so it’s really hard to blame the guy here.

megan-fox-transformersWell, the meatheads from Labeouf’s school roll up on them out of the blue. The shitheads have teamed up with those asshole Jock-o-bots, since they all share a common interest in beating on losers and sports and whatnot. They’re all racing around town, getting wasted, causing trouble, when they spot Labeouf frotting that girl inside of Bumblebee, and they ain’t having that shit. Suddenly, this huge swarm of dickheads converge on Labeouf and the Car.

Transformers-Movie-transformers-71316_1920_803These jock pricks start majorly fucking with Shia and BB, saying shit like “thought you was a faggot, boy. But since yer such a pussy, now we think yer girl’s gotta be a lesbo. Ah har har har” and “YOU LET TWO HUMANS HAVE INTERCOURSE INSIDE OF YOU, BUMBLEBEE? YOU ARE DEEMED UNWORTHY BY THE OMNICRON!” It’s pretty brutal. Then, out of nowhere, all the Nerd-o-bots show up to save the day. They’re sick of hiding from these dickwads, and they are ready to kick some ass. There’s this huge fucking brawl between the jocks and the losers.

transformers_movie_megan_fox_shia_labeoufSomehow, even though it seems like they don’t stand a chance, Labeouf and Bumblebee manage to kick all the jocks and bots right outta town, and they’re all like “don’t come back here, you jerks!”

Dotm-megatron-film-alleyAfter all that, Labeouf’s become top dog at his high school, everybody respects him so much. And Bumblebee, he’s like the king dick of robots now. So, in the end, Lebouf gets awarded coolest kid at the Prom, and he makes out with that hot girl on stage, and it goes on for way too long. All the parents in the audience start getting super uncomfortable. And the principal, his jaw just drops, cause he wants to stop the heavy tongue wars from happening on stage, in front of the entire student body, but you can tell he’s also kinda thinking “I’d hit that too, kid. Go for it. Go all the way!” Then, just when it’s gone over the edge, Bumblebee and the other Nerd-o-bots stroll out onto the platform, and the whole school just starts going apeshit and cheering them on. They’re all feeling so fucking high right now.

transformers_movie_01So, the credits start rolling, then it suddenly cuts back to Labeouf and the robots, the DJ starts scratching a record, and they’re all doing this dance on stage that Labeouf came up with. It’s called “Do the Robot”, and it’s a fucking hit! Man, after this movie came out, I think every person I knew was doing the Robot, it was such a big deal. So, in my mind, this movie’s a total classic, just for starting that dance movement.

decepticon-bonecrusher-from-transformers-movie4 Bullets: Do the Robot is a classic hit that will haunt my dreams til the day I die.

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