under-siege-2-handAn angry cook on a battleship finally gets the chance to slice and dice something other than Broccoli. He gets to cut dudes throats open! Steven Seagal works as a short order cook for the US Navy, taking shit all day from some old, asshole Captain and, get this, Gary Busey! One day, he just fucking snaps. It’s during a Birthday party for the old Captain, where Busey decides its a good idea to dress up in drag and pop out of a cake. I don’t know what his ultimate plan was here, maybe he wanted to get the Captain drunk and try and bang him or something, either way it doesn’t really work out too well for him.

under-siege-4See, Tommy Lee Jones is visiting the boat that day, playing the Bday party with his shitty blues rock cover band, and he is fucking wasted out of his mind. He’s reeling around, acting like a total nut job, singing off key – basically your typical jerk off dad band. Anyway, he gets up in the Captain’s face, and things get outta hand. The Captain ends up getting shot! Cause TLJ, he wasn’t really a drunk dad doing a fucking awful Karaoke jam session after all. He was actually some kind of highly trained terrorist, and he’s taking over this goddamn boat!! Well, Jones takes one look at that fatass Busey, all tarted up in that wig and sundress, and he’s like “You’re coming with me, to my private quarters, you little whore.” Something goes on down there, I don’t know or even want to know what, but Busey ends up as Jones’ hostage and maybe his girlfriend for the rest of the movie.

07147So, meanwhile, Seagal is chopping up carrots and making soup, sweating and swearing like a maniac, and he just has a goddamn melt down. He’s like “Enough of this shit!!!” grabs a gun and starts going on a rampage, shooting everyone he sees. Luckily for him, the day he decided to go on a killing spree was the same day terrorists took over his ship, so (most) of the people he kills are bad guys anyway. It all works out for him here. In the end, I think they give him a fucking medal or some shit, and he’s just squinty-eye fucking everyone, cause he knows deep down he just wanted to KILL. He didn’t care about terrorists, he didn’t even know the boat was taken over by them, he was just seeing red and slapping and kicking and breaking the necks off of everyone he got his hands on. He also might have some pent up Eskimo rage here, I think the guys on that boat were really racist towards him and called him a Snowblower and all kinds of other crap. He would’ve probably just quietly poisoned them all eventually if that dickwad of a Captain and Busey hadn’t been riding his ass all day, demanding fancy gourmet shit for the Captain’s jackoff Birthday party.

228_3Well, eventually, Seagal runs into Busey, and all hell breaks loose. He sees that fat assclown, still looking like your grandma after one too many highballs, and he just goes ballistic. He rips that flowery sundress right off of GB and proceeds to teach him an important lesson: do NOT take your short order cooks for granted. Treat them like human beings, you fat fuck! They work hard preparing all your goddamn meals and slaving over your dining experience, so cut them some friggin slack.

under-siege-10When he’s done fucking up Jones’ fat whale of a wife, he turns his anger onto TLJ. He stabs Jones right through the goddamn skull with a cooking knife! Then he shoves his face in the oven! I think he cooks Jones’ fucking head too, and serves it to the crew, and just watches while they all eat in silence, with his beady little eyes, making sure they finish every last bite. Because he is not taking any more shit from them, and he wants to make sure they’ve all learned their lesson here.


under-siege-19So, next time your at a restaurant or a cafeteria, and your just pissed about your life in general or maybe the meal wasn’t everything you hoped it would be, don’t get all bent out of shape on those cooks. They’re just trying to make a living, just like you, and they don’t need all kinds of grief from some irate, asshole customer. Who knows? They might just stick a knife in your head and pan broil your face. They slice and dice meat for a living, dude! You might as well be a fucking pork chop in their eyes anyway! And, they’ve got access to all kinds of blades and cleavers and shit, so watch your ass around them.

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