VALKYRIE (2008)

STARRING:
TOM CRUISE, KENNETH BRANAGH

KILL METER: 3/6

vo002Tom Cruise is a Nazi. In this whacky, slapstick comedy, he plays a one-eyed, one-armed dumbass who thinks he can take down Adolph Hitler single handedly (haha, get it?), with a little help from a rag tag crew of elite goose-stepping goofballs. On a side note, I can see why the director chose Cruise for the role of a disabled guy, cause he’s had to deal with disability his whole life, being a midget and all.

1411_1Well, Cruise assembles his crack team, and he’s all “we’ve just gotta kill this Hitler guy, he’s making Germany look like we’re a bunch of cockgobbling whackoes who all hate Jews and Italians. And that’s not tru…er… well… ok. But still, what a jerk, am I right?” The others agree, they make a plan to off that Charlie Chaplin mustache wearing peckerhead once and for all. And, perfect timing, Hitler is throwing a rager at his parent’s house up in the Alps, so that’s where they can get that bastard and explode his sauerkraut loving ass for good. But first, they need a demolitions expert.

MV5BMjA4MzQ5NjQ2M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDM5OTU5MQ@@._V1._SX565_SY400_.previewThey find their guy, and he’s kind of a party animal. This nut sees all the plans and equipment they’ve got, and he’s like “Ok, I do it. But I warning you guys, we gonna have a lot of fun time here!”

14610_4So, Cruise and the demolitions guys infiltrate Hitler’s hideout, and the party is in full swing. They’re just getting ready to set up the explosives, when, suddenly, that nutty partner is all “Ach, that Bratwurst, she is repeating on me, real bad. I gotta go to das crapper. You gonna have to set up bomb by yourself, buddy.” So that one-handed cyclops Cruise is forced to arm (haha) the bomb alone, and there’s tons of cripple gags here. Like, he has to hide the detonator behind his back, and, when Hitler sees him, he wants to shake Cruise’s hand. And Cruise is sweating up a storm, he doesn’t know what to do. So he’s all “sorry, Mein Kampf, but the only thing I shake with that hand is my Jagdwurst schnitzel. And I just had a massive shake-off session in your parent’s bedroom, to a photo of your mom”.

All the SS officers in the room kind of gasp, like what the fuck is this tiny Nazi saying?? Hitler just squints at Cruise for a minute, and he’s like “This guy… This is a cool little guy right here! I love it! Now, let’s party!”

hitler_ignores_everyone-2The bomb goes off as planned, and Cruise gets away just in time while the house party gets blown to smithereens. But what him and his jackass buddies didn’t count on was, Hitler’s part bionic or some shit, cause he survived the explosion! Right when Cruise and his crew are celebrating with a “We Kill Hitler” party, (Robo) Hitler storms into the room. He’s glaring around at them with his red, robot eyes, and you can tell he’s super pissed! Suddenly, he blurts out “Ok, which one of you craaaaazy guys gonna try an kill a Hitler? C’mon! Hitler really mad at you guys… But it was kinda funny gag, yah?” And they all have a good laugh for a minute.

tom_cruise__christian_oliver__stephen_fry_and_christian_berkel_valkyrie_movie_imageOh, also, in the end, Cruise gets arrested and executed for treason. D’oh!

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